A Breakup Letter from the U.S. Government to Big Oil

Dear Big Oil,

This is hard for me, the government, to write, because I love you so much, and we’ve been together for so long that I can barely imagine life without you. But I feel that our relationship is toxic and that you’ve been manipulating me for years.

When I previously tried standing up to you, you said that you’d stop giving me money. And I love money. I do. It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning. You really need to love it (money) to work in politics, or else the late hours get old fast.

But we are quickly arriving at a climate catastrophe, and it feels like you don’t even care?

I see now that your behavior for the past century has honestly been sort of insane. Like, there were so many red flags from the beginning.

I should have left you after the first oil spill. But I told myself, “This was an accident, there’s no way he’s gonna keep spilling oil, that would be crazy.” But then you just kept spilling oil! You’ve spilled hundreds of thousands of gallons. I can’t keep cleaning up your messes!

Sure, it wasn’t always bad. Remember when you powered your first car? Beep beep! I loved that little thing.

But then cars increased carbon pollution to the point that temperatures started warming. And you tried to hide it from me and fuck up all my efforts to offer better public transportation. We’re supposed to support each other!

When we first met I was, like, O.K., he’s into coal—not ideal, but he’ll grow out of that, right? Everyone has a coal phase! But, babe, it’s been more than a century.

Then you started drilling for oil, and I was, like, O.K., oil isn’t renewable. This has gotta be a temporary thing. But now I realize these weren’t phases—it’s who you are.

Do you know how embarrassing it was when I found out that it wasn’t just arsenic but also benzene, formaldehyde, lead, mercury, and two hundred other toxins that you had in your fracking roster? Behind my back?!

God, all you fossil-fuel companies are the same.

So that’s it. Here are my conditions if you want to be with me and make this relationship work:

STOP FRACKING NOW. Or, like, as soon as you can.

I’m not totally unreasonable. I don’t want to lose the millions of dollars I have invested in you overnight. So, if you absolutely think it’s necessary or you really need to frack, I get it. Change is hard! But if you don’t change you will literally destroy the entire planet.

Soaring emissions are producing acid rain and smog, and soon every city is going to look like Gotham City—which, like, worst-case scenario, I can turn into a tourist attraction. Maybe I can get Zoë Kravitz involved? Charge an additional fee for Batman-themed masks if people want to avoid breathing toxic fumes? Hmm.

Wait, ugh, no. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns with you. . . .

No more oil pipelines. I really mean it this time. No more tar sands, and no more destroying entire ecosystems to create stations for natural gas. Last time you did that, seventeen different species went extinct!

It’s fine. We all make mistakes. Who needs prairie chickens anyway? But if you don’t stop then I am absolutely gonna be pissed and circle back to this conversation in ten to fifteen years.

The thing is, we’ve been talking about moving away from an economy based on fossil fuels for more than seven decades. That’s twelve Batman reboots ago. There are all these technologies, including solar and wind, which don’t release a toxic stew of air pollution. And I feel like it’s just me fighting for that? I need to know if renewable energy is something you can commit to down the line.

We’re up against the biggest existential crisis that our species has ever faced. Because of you, regions of Australia, North Africa, Asia, Latin America, and the Western United States will be inhospitable owing to heat and rising sea levels by 2100. And I get it. Those places aren’t top priority to me, either, but I have to at least pretend to give a shit, don’t I?

A couple of scientists who I couldn’t pay off sat me down and told me that there will be more climate-refugee crises, increased world wars (especially over dwindling fresh-water supplies), and mounting natural disasters.

Call me an old-fashioned romantic, but I want to have kids who aren’t exposed to ancient microbes released from melting permafrost that today’s humans have never been exposed to and that will cause more pandemics.

The thing I really can’t get over is that you knew about this the whole time. In the eighties! And yet not only did you ignore that information but you literally spent millions of dollars to gaslight people into believing that they were imagining it. That’s sociopathic, toxic behavior!

You know that I have a soft spot for you. But our relationship is ruining lives.

If you stop, as a reward I’ll let you pick a part of the planet you can ruin a little bit. On the weekends. Cheat days are important.

I hear Sudan is nice.