More Facts About Possums

Maybe you’ve heard some of the amazing facts about possums. Possums eat garden pests and hundreds of ticks a day. They’re mostly immune to rabies and snake venom, and are practically odorless except when sprawled out acting like they’re dead, which—who among us, right?

Possums’ public image is better than ever. Here are some additional facts about possums that even in this day and age you still might not know:

Possums always squeeze the sponge out after using it—even if possums think they might use it again soon.

Possums text you back immediately. It doesn’t feel desperate, either. Or like they’re playing some game and winning. Just feels nice, is all.

Possums read the supplemental texts on the syllabus.

Possums receive regular e-mails from their credit-card company asking if they meant to leave a thirty-eight-per-cent tip at Diane’s Diner: A Woman-Owned Café Where All the Staff Is Single Moms. To be clear—possums meant to.

Possums are punctual, but they don’t make being on time their whole personality.

Since the eighteen-hundreds, possums’ geographic range has steadily crept northward. Scientists don’t know why, exactly. They suspect it’s to see more of you.

That autofill password thing that pops up and just takes care of entering it for you? Possums invented that. Humans don’t even know how it works.

Possums can’t drive. Think about that for a second—no terrible driver you’ve encountered in your entire life has ever been a possum.

Possums don’t bite humans. But they will if you ask them to. They won’t make you feel weird for asking, either. Afterward, you’ll feel comfortable sharing other stuff about yourself.

Possums vote in local elections. They know what a comptroller is.

Possums Venmo you after the bachelorette party without having to be asked. The amount is more than they owed. When you text possums that it’s too much, possums text back, “Convenience fee!” Then they mention how great it was seeing you and talk about getting together again soon. Notice how gracefully they brushed off their good deed? That’s possum tact.

If possums get the sense that their inherent perfection is wrecking your self-esteem, they’ll eat some garbage. That’s the main reason possums eat garbage. It’s for you.

The biggest fact nobody knows about possums is that, back in 2016 possums were dropped by their agent and publicist. That was a really dark time. Even for possums, who rely on the dark to avoid predators.

Things hadn’t been going great before that. Possums kept trying to clean up as best they could, to meet industry beauty standards. But the only work possums were getting was for roles like “rat mixed with a cat but nobody’s happy about it” and “what if bunnies but in a stress dream?”

Possums had been feeling stuck and typecast, sure. But to be dropped like that? It was like getting hit by a truck, which possums know all about because it happens to them nightly. It was pretty rough out there for a while. No support. Honestly, possums kinda let themselves go. Stopped taking care of their appearance. Every ounce of energy went toward just surviving.

That was exactly when things started to turn around.

Lying on the side of the road one night, coming to after playing dead to avoid being eaten by the truck going seventy speeding away after striking them, possums caught sight of their reflection in a puddle. Their hair was matted. Their ears were scarred by frostbite. They’d been bitten in the cheek by a rattlesnake earlier and were still kinda walking that one off.

Right then and there, possums decided to stop trying to be something they weren’t.

“I eat ticks and trash,” possums said, in a cutesy hiss that sounded like evil and rust. “I get harassed by predators, bitten in the face by rattlesnakes, unfairly chased out of yards. And you know something? I keep going. That’s who I am.”

Possums embraced it. Suddenly, possums had a “look”: dishevelled, tired, clearly losing it but trying to keep it together, a mouthful of teeth that were sort of terrifying whenever they attempted to smile. In other words, relatable.

The rest is history. Turns out, everyone loves an underdog. ♦