Surveillance Capitalism: Our online data is the only form of currency. Tech companies hold all the power.
Entrepreneurial Capitalism: Fewer regulations for people who found companies, otherwise known as “libertarianism.”
Quarter Capitalism: Quarters count more than dollars, because of supply and demand. I can finally do my laundry and admit to my boyfriend that I didn’t stop wearing underwear “to be sexy.”
Capitalism, for Her: Women make more money. If this is too much for people to handle, will settle for women making only slightly less than what men make, which is still a significant raise.
Freudian Capitalism: Wealth is concentrated in the hands of the few. They are widely despised. They believe that this is because everyone is envious of their penises. It’s not.
Aesthetic Capitalism: Wealth is more evenly distributed, but hot people stay hot.
Diet Capitalism: Our existing system, but with higher taxes on rich people. If this is not marketable to men, can be rebranded as Capitalism Zero.
Performative Capitalism: When Jeff Bezos announces on Twitter that he deserves to be the wealthiest man in the world, but you know that he’s not actually taking any steps to unseat Elon Musk.
Netflix and Capitalism: Netflix lives outside the market economy as a distinct entity, so everyone gets it for free. There may be no such thing as a free lunch, but, then again, lunch is objectively worth a lot more than “Emily in Paris.”
Papitalism: I get a tax break if I remember to get my pap smear on time. This is what economists mean by “positive incentives.”
French Capitalism: Six small capitalisms per day instead of three big ones.
Free Britney Capitalism: Like free-market capitalism, except we free Britney Spears instead.
Big, Firm Capitalism: This is the sexy kind.
Organic Capitalism: Wait—most people can’t afford food that isn’t riddled with pesticides? Is this a fair economic system? Really?
Political Capitalism: An economic system in which there is a strong link between political power and money. Oh, actually, don’t we have this one?
Oligarchic Capitalism: Organized élites control the means of production. Wait—
Ineffective Capitalism: Yet again, simply capitalism.
Mid-Stage Capitalism: We must have passed this two hundred years ago, right?
Late-Stage Capitalism: Tell me we’re here.
End-Stage Capitalism: Please, God, let this be the end of it.
Final-Stage Capitalism: Jeff Bezos owns North America.
Center-Stage Capitalism: Capitalism, but with ballet.