Please Read Our Late-Arrival Policy

Thank you for booking an appointment and for trusting our caregivers with your health and lots of your money.

Please arrive at least fifteen minutes before your scheduled appointment so that you have ample time to check in and fill out the health forms that you already filled out online. (We prefer hard copies in case the cloud vanishes, so consider the online version that you already sent a rehearsal.) As a courtesy to others, we have a strict late- and missed-appointment policy that we must enforce to keep our schedule running smoothly. It is as follows:

• A grace period of thirty seconds will be given for unforeseen delays that a patient may encounter while commuting to our office.

• If you’re a minute late, no stress! It happens. We will, however, deduct the time it takes you to fill out the paperwork from your allotted appointment time, and, as we said, it takes at least fifteen minutes to fill out our paperwork, so we’ll mostly be using the session to schedule your next appointment.

• If you’re two minutes late, we might let you in, but we’ll definitely keep you guessing for a bit! If we are able to accommodate you, you’ll be charged an additional “walk-in” fee of fifty dollars for annoying us.

• If you’re three minutes late, we will charge your credit card an additional “charity fee” of a hundred and seventy-five dollars to support our favorite animal shelter that rescues llamas from upstate farms owned by aging hipsters.

• If you’re five minutes late, we’ll unfortunately have to cancel your appointment and make you pay the full cost of the session, times three.

• If you’re ten minutes late—I mean, geez, talk about rude! What, were you raised by salamanders? (They perceive time more slowly.) Anyway, we’ll make you pet-sit our salamanders when we go on vacation. Also, you’ll be subject to all of the above fines and penalties.

• If you’re fifteen minutes late, you will be marked as a no-show, and we will act like you don’t exist when you approach the front desk. “I’m sorry, is someone talking? Because I don’t see anyone. Rita, tell me more about your weekend.” Pretending that you’re invisible is surprisingly easy.

• If you show up more than thirty minutes late on the day of your appointment, we will be so baffled and shocked by the experience that we will let you walk right into the appointment, free of charge.

• If you are a no-show, your booking privileges will be suspended for three weeks, and we will send our people to come find you and use various intimidation tactics on you until you sign an affidavit stating that any “accident” resulting in the injury or death of another patient during one of our sessions was somehow your fault. We’ll also continue to charge your credit card for weekly sessions for the rest of your life.

• If you have three or more no-shows or cancellations, we will insist that you donate an organ (any organ) to one of our staff members and/or their family members, if needed.

• We reserve the right to reschedule or cancel your appointment for any reason at all, and sometimes we will do so just to see how you handle the situation. It informs our treatment of you and is part of the healing process.

• Our practice is usually running anywhere from seven minutes to six hours late, and we appreciate your patience and understanding while we finish our lunch, check Instagram, and talk to the patient ahead of you about our marital woes. (They have a relationship podcast.) We look forward to helping you on your healing journey and appreciate you adding your credit-card information below to secure your appointment and a potential lifetime of charges. (Don’t forget the three digits on the back!)

CREDIT-CARD INFORMATION: __________________

Sincerely,

Your healer/medical professional/spiritual guru ♦