Toyota Prius Owner’s Manual for Taking a Great American Road Trip

Like many people who read “On the Road” as a teen, followed #VanLife Instagram accounts, or watched the canonical Britney Spears film “Crossroads,” you have long dreamed of going on a Great American Road Trip, and now you are finally doing it—in a 2015 Toyota Prius you borrowed from your stepdad. Congratulations!

BEFORE YOU GO

Adjustable Features
Before you actually head out on this trip, which will either change your life or just involve seeing some cool rocks, climb into the driver’s seat and push it all the way forward, because, unlike your stepdad, you are five feet two. Adjust the rearview mirror. You can adjust the side mirrors, too, I guess, but if anyone has ever adjusted a side mirror before driving that’s news to us here at Toyota.

Steering Wheel
There are a bunch of buttons on the steering wheel. You will never figure out what most of these do. Ignore them. Pressing the incorrect button may result in death or serious injury.

Glove Box
This is a good place to hide your wallet while hiking, so that, if the car gets broken into, your money and I.D. are in the most obvious place.

Proximity Key
The 2015 Toyota Prius comes with a proximity-based key and a push-start ignition. Just a heads-up: you will be sleeping in the car on nights you feel too lazy to set up the tent, nights when the ground is “too hard,” and nights you see a bug outside. If you lock the Prius, sleep in the Prius, and then the next morning try to get out of the Prius without unlocking it, the Prius will start screaming. It forgot that you were in there!

WHEN DRIVING

Correct Driving Position
After about a week of driving normal, when you hit North Dakota you can get a little loosey-goosey with driving posture. Fold your left leg up against the door. Put your left foot on the dash—why not? Forget about hands at ten and two; try eight and four. Hell, try just six! Do not adjust the position of the seat while driving, even if you drop a chip, even if it was a big chip, with a lot of barbecue-flavor dust on it. Doing so could result in death or serious injury.

Accelerating Sharply
It is not possible for the Prius to accelerate sharply. Nice try.

Driving Over Eighty-Five Miles Per Hour
While it is “possible” to do this, your Prius will begin shaking violently like an egg from which a demon is about to hatch. If that sounds enjoyable to you, go for it.

Fuel Consumption
Your stepdad is obsessed with something called “hyper-miling,” whereby he supposedly optimizes fuel efficiency by putting the car into neutral every time he drives down a hill. We don’t really want to get into it, but doing this could result in death or serious injury.

Turn Signal
Your car has two of these. There’s one for turning left, and another for turning right. Maybe this seems obvious, but you will be shocked by the number of people on the road driving cars that apparently lack this feature.

Cruising Range
This displays the estimated maximum distance that can be driven with the quantity of fuel remaining, which would be enormously helpful when you drive past a “NO SERVICES 120 MILES” sign in the middle of nowhere, Utah. But although you know that this feature exists, you cannot figure out the correct combination of buttons to press to make it show up. Why is this car covered in buttons?!

Vibing
While driving on a warm summer day, don’t roll the window down, stick your arm out, and make little undulating motions with your hand as it catches the wind. Doing so could result in serious injury, minor injury, or death.

MAINTENANCE AND CARE

“Maintenance Required” Light
This will be on for your entire sixteen-thousand-mile trip. Ignore it.

Tire-Air-Pressure Light
At some point you will notice that this light is also on, and you won’t be able to remember how long it’s been on. You can probably ignore this, too.

Slip-Light Indicator
This only lights up when you already know that you’re hydroplaning. Just our little joke!

Cleaning
Put all your trash in a little plastic baggie. Done.

Car Smelling Like Everything Bagels
This is your fault, and there’s no way to fix it.

Checking the Engine
To check the engine, open the hood by pulling the lock-release lever inside the car, near the driver’s-side door. But, let’s be honest: if you’re reading this, you’re already in way over your head. With the engine exposed, feel immediately overwhelmed. Pick one thing to care about—let’s say radiator fluid. Take a photo of the “levels.”

Condenser
Good luck figuring out what this is.

Checking Tire-Inflation Pressure
O.K., it turns out that the tire-air-pressure light was on for a reason, and that reason was that your tire was basically flat. After traumatically realizing this in Forks, Washington, where Edward Cullen lives, you will buy a tire gauge and, after much trial and error, learn how to fill your tires. This is the easiest thing in the world, but mastering it will make you feel like a mechanic. For the rest of your trip, you will check your tire pressure daily, “for fun.”

I Feel Like There Are Bugs Living in the Dashboard?
There are no bugs living in the dashboard.

At the end of the day, we at Toyota have only one rule for going on a Great American Road Trip, and that’s have fun. Failure to do so may result in death or serious injury. ♦