What I Imagine TV’s “Mature Audiences” Are Like

The mature audience member views television with the utmost discretion, as advised.

The mature audience member uses terms like “acclaimed” and “highbrow” and “prestige television.”

The mature audience member turns on subtitles in French, for la culture.

The mature audience member pronounces “mature” like “ma-toor,” which is the only correct way.

The mature audience member makes popcorn on the stove and seasons it with olive oil, salt, a pinch of paprika, and nutritional yeast.

The mature audience member’s tea of choice is loose-leaf dandelion.

The mature audience member silences their cell phone—and their mind—in order to be fully present.

The mature audience member would never sing along to a show’s theme song—not aloud.

The mature audience member makes one type of observation: astute.

The mature audience member knows that the true meaning of “Netflix and chill” is to remain calm and not shut your eyes during the scary parts.

The mature audience member appreciates explicit language because they value authenticity in the characters’ interpersonal communications.

The mature audience member doesn’t need to wait until they’ve read the book to watch the series. They read the book the day it was released!

The mature audience member watches at a reasonable volume.

The mature audience member is confident in their interpretation of what “reasonable” means in all contexts, including matters of the law.

The mature audience member is no “remote-control hog.” Rather, the mature audience member is a maestro of distinguished programming, wielding the remote like a conductor’s baton.

When the mature audience member watches a program with an immature audience member, it technically counts as “supervised viewing.” They could get public-service credit for this work, but they’re too selfless to ask.

The mature audience member reads critics’ reviews and then reviews those reviews, critically.

The mature audience member does not wear glasses. Rather, the mature audience member sports two monocles fused together, with little hooks behind the ears.

The mature audience member knits while watching—but never loses focus on the dramatic arc, misses a stitch, or breaks eye contact with the cast.

The mature audience member can watch a steamy “adult” scene with others present in the room without blushing or “checking on something” in the kitchen.

The mature audience member prefers to use a projector screen, because depictions of sandy island beaches and shimmering ocean waters render most beautifully there.

The mature audience member politely claps at the end of each episode, watches all of the credits, then claps again—politely. ♦