Winners and Losers from This Year’s Oscar Nominations

Winners:

The English Major You Dated in College Who Wore Lots of Windbreakers and Chain-Smoked: because he definitely works for A24 now.

Lydia Tár: she is real.

My Text Thread: we’re full of opinions.

Disney: because Baz Luhrmann sounds confusingly similar to Buzz Lightyear.

Hollywood: I hear that the Oscars are sort of its biggest night.

People for Whom the Word “Snub” Is A.S.M.R.: snub.

The U.S. Military Recruiting Progra—I Mean, “Top Gun: Maverick.”

Losers:

Louis B. Mayer: who made up the Oscars to try to make industry professionals compete against one another instead of unionizing, but they unionized anyway. Take that, ghost of Louis B. Mayer!

Me Personally: because I really want to stop talking about “Avatar” and “Top Gun.”

Cancel Culture: cancel culture, a real thing, is no match for Lydia Tár, a real person.

Women: the Oscars have decided that women, after two years of them being nominated and winning, have had a good run of it.