A Lexicon for the Late Pandemic

P.C.S.D. (Post-COVID stress disorder): The nightmare we will have for the rest of our lives: you’re walking down the street when you suddenly realize that you’re naked, but it’s just your face.

Spring Fever: A side effect of the second shot.

Auntie Vaxxers: The cascade of relatives due to visit you now that they’ve been vaccinated.

Anti-aunt Variant: An excuse used to further delay visits of Auntie Vaxxers, as in “A new variant just turned up from Tasmania, so you and Uncle Lloyd might need to hold off a little longer.”

Super-Mutant Variant: A far more dire and usually fictional excuse used when the first variant doesn’t work, as in “I hear that this new strain mainly attacks elderly bald men who bowl, so you can understand why I’m worried about Uncle Lloyd getting it.”

Covalgia: Nostalgia for certain aspects of the pandemic—e.g., reduced traffic, more birds, fewer mass shootings, no office birthday parties.

Lax Vaxxer: Someone who experiences full vaccination the way an animal might experience being freed from a zoo: by running wild and invading other people’s personal space. Immune to both COVID and social cues.

Heard Immunity: A natural resistance to streaming any more movies featuring the late actor John Heard, including but not limited to “Home Alone,” “C.H.U.D.,” “Heart Beat,” and “Cat People.”

Viral Load: The number of popular videos you downloaded onto your computer during the pandemic, thus slowing its operating speed.

Anti-Masquer: Someone opposed to masques (a sixteenth-century form of amateur dramatic entertainment) for reasons that have nothing to do with anything.

COVID-34: Formerly COVID-19, then COVID-30, but we’re not going to dwell on this, O.K.? Eating was a relatively healthy way to relieve the stress of isolation. I’m fine with it; you should be fine with it, too.

COVID Denialism: Oh, so now it’s my drinking? Yeah, I might’ve picked up some bad habits, but I did what I needed to do, O.K.? I don’t have a problem. The world had a problem. And now we’re both fine. Back off.

Phantom-Mask Syndrome: The feeling after you’ve taken off your mask that there’s still something covering your face that isn’t skin.

Sheltering In Face: The experience of being unable to remove one’s mask, even after being vaccinated, even in the open air, away from others, even when said mask is on fire. A person in this condition would sooner expose genitalia in public than the lower half of the face (which is equally pale; see Orca Face).

De-Bradying: The shock of realizing not only that other humans are three-dimensional but also that they come in different sizes and generally don’t fit neatly into stacked squares.

B.O.S. (Better On Screen): Also known as Worse In Person. Used mainly as a way to excuse one’s relatively lacklustre appearance after hibernating for a year: “Of course you didn’t recognize me. I’m totally B.O.S.”

Orca Face: The effect of a year of outdoor mask-wearing on face pigmentation.

Vaccine Incentive Programs: Awards created to reward ignorant fucknuts reluctant to receive a life-saving vaccine that will save them and their communities from sickness and death.

The Third Surge: The third rerelease of the highly caffeinated soft drink Surge, which was first marketed by the Coca-Cola Company to compete with Mountain Dew. America is not ready.

Rehoming: What is currently happening to thousands of pets adopted during the pandemic, as well as to millions of boyfriends and girlfriends. ♦