Americans Seething with Envy of U.K. After Malignant Narcissist Opts Not to Run Again

UNITED STATES (The Borowitz Report)—Americans were seething with envy after the U.K.’s most prominent malignant narcissist decided not to run for that nation’s highest office again, interviews with U.S. citizens have revealed.

From coast to coast, Americans expressed bitter jealousy of the British for having an incompetent former leader who, though maniacally self-absorbed and attention-craving, nevertheless possessed enough realism to depart the public stage after only twenty-four hours of hogging headlines.

Carol Foyler, who lives in Akron, Ohio, was openly covetous of the U.K.’s malignant narcissist. “People in Britain are suffering right now because the government just wrecked their economy,” she said. “But at least they have a malignant narcissist who knows when it’s time to go away.”

“When I read that the U.K’s malignant narcissist decided not to run again, I got really mad,” Harland Dorrinson, a resident of San Jose, California, said. “Why do they get a malignant narcissist like that?”

“People say that the only reason he decided not to run again was because he knew he was going to lose,” Tracy Klugian, who lives in Milwaukee, said. “But he’s not going around the country claiming he’s been persecuted. He’ll probably fly back to the Dominican Republic, lie on the beach, and get wasted. If you have to have a malignant narcissist, that’s the kind you want.”