Are You Ready to Eat the New Hottest Pepper in the World?

The Pompeii Spider Monkey pepper was bred in the forsaken land of Nebraska by a late-thirtysomething white guy going through a divorce that was definitely his fault but which he refuses to accept responsibility for. Trying to burn through his money so that there’d be less alimony to pay out, he poured all of his remaining bitcoins into breeding the hottest pepper on record. Rumor has it that he spent days screaming at the plants, and at nights would let them fall asleep to the so-so music of Jack Harlow. Sean Evans refuses to try it on principle, but perhaps you’d like to step up to the plate and eat it, so that you can, like, prove something about patriarchal masculinity?

So far, seven people have attempted to sample the Pompeii Spider Monkey; this has resulted in the deaths of seven men with weird beards. Allegedly, they were all told to wear special welding goggles, so as not to go blind from the pepper’s intense hot glow. Each and every one of these men replied, “Pfft, what do I look like, a p—,” before collapsing. Do you wish to try it, perhaps for free?

Figuring out how to market a hot sauce made with the Pompeii Spider Monkey took weeks. Normally, a company just slaps on whatever dumb bomb or goat’s-skull icon they think will appeal to the Metallica fans that make up their fan base, but not this time! For this pepper, the only image that the P.R. team could agree on to convey the product’s danger to potential eaters was a portrait of Ayn Rand with a word bubble containing the phrase “Maybe I was wrong.” Yum, yum, yum?

The flavor description on the hot-sauce label reads, “This condiment is not only a hundred-per-cent VEGAN but also a hundred-per-cent against the happiness of Caroline Teeter. Gluten-free, dairy-free, with NO FUCKING PINE NUTS, Pompeii Spider Monkey sauce is father, mother, brother, dog, rabbi, Drake superfan, coroner, and grizzled hit man all in one.” Shall we dig in?

The pepper is not without its merits. For one thing, scientists agree that eating it in any form will allow you to see through time. Allegedly, the new breed of chili got its name when someone watched a chimp drop a match into an Italian volcano. Consuming one is also a guaranteed way to become sterile. (Take that, SCOTUS!) Who wants seconds?

In an interview, the pepper’s creator said that he just wants to sell his pepper “so that I can buy lots of random gears and parts . . . to . . . uh, take care of some stuff.” Is that ominous statement making your tummy rumble? Who’s ready to go to a neighborhood of Flavortown that even Guy Fieri’s never visited? ♦