Common Anatomies of Disappointing Men

Unlucky in love? Don’t despair. Here’s an illustrated taxonomy of deeply disappointing men to help you identify some anatomies common to a few subspecies of Homo sapiens so that you can spot the signs that someone is about to waste your time before it actually happens.

HOMO SAPIENS IMMATURIS

Man Who Can Commit, Just Not Right Now
Common dwellings: the past, the future

Homo sapiens immaturis is a creature of habit: he loves the status quo. In fact, he would prefer to keep things the way that they are between you two, if that’s cool. Though research indicates that he may one day evolve to become able to commit to someone, it will not be to you. The part of this man’s brain that would normally feel bad about this is biologically reserved for more pressing issues, like the cancellation of his favorite HBO Max series.

HOMO SAPIENS INNOCENTIS

Man Who Didn’t Realize You Thought This Was a Thing
Common dwellings: the bed in his apartment, the couch in your apartment

Homo sapiens innocentis is often caught unawares. Actually, he didn’t realize that you felt this way about him! He’s at a loss for words—except for the word “oh,” which is both his mating call and the sound he makes when cornered. This man’s anatomy is all pointed inward, so he’s actually in a lot of pain. But beware: if you tell this species that you’re not afraid of his pain, it will make him curl up in a ball. Actually, he thinks it’s best if you leave.

HOMO SAPIENS FRAGMENTIS

Broken Man
Common dwellings: weddings, comedy shows

This species is broken—or, more precisely, would like you to know that he has been broken in the past. His bones may seem intact, but if you look closely you’ll see that they have all been strategically fractured, extended, and healed in order to keep you at arm’s length at all times. (That’s also why he’s so tall.) He has mangled handprints and footprints, which help him evade unwanted suitors whenever it’s convenient. He has met your social circle, but you’ve never met his—though one evasive tactic common to his species is to assure you that you can still be friends.

HOMO SAPIENS DIVORSUS

Man You Helped Find Himself
Common dwellings: garages turned into woodshops, LinkedIn, liminal space

This type of man’s only common feature is his wild-oat sac, which emerges at some point in his mid-forties and which he is determined to release into the world regardless of family ties. If you happen to fall into a relationship with a member of this species, be aware that he is capable of changing shape at will, as he lacks a spine. This man is blessed with six senses: taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing, and the sense that he’s destined for something greater than you. But he’s grateful for the journey! ♦