Corrections and Clarifications to Our First Date

I did say, “Astronomy, astrology—what’s the difference? They’re literally both science.” I said it as a joke. But I didn’t get to explain that because the Spice Girls came on and we both were distracted by my sick dance moves.

On the topic of jokes, you were kidding when you pronounced “Barcelona” with a lisp, right? You did that as a goof; I’m sure you did. I certainly found it hilarious, but I seem to recall you looking perplexed as I screeched with laughter.

I’m not the first person to read a menu and wonder aloud whether cacio e pepe are related to the Mario brothers. It’s quite a normal thing to be curious about.

I use my phone so much that I now just mime emojis to express my feelings. Since our date, I’ve learned that, when I really get into emoting in this manner, it can look like I’m having a medical emergency, so, apologies if I alarmed you. Anyway, to conclude my emoji story—googly eyes, eggplant, praying hands—it was not in fact chlamydia.

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When Kate Winslet helped herself to Jim Carrey’s food in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” they had only just met, and he was into it. Jim Carrey clearly found it spontaneous and charming, so I added that move to my database of what men like. However, I now believe that my data were flawed, at least judging by the sound you made when I reached over and took that pork chop from your plate.

The text I sent you right after you got into your car was actually intended for my sister. When I wrote, “He’s the one. It’s true what Mom says—when you know, you know! Ding-dong wedding bells!,” what I meant was that my Uber had just pulled up and my driver was “the one” pictured in the app. Also, our family has this cute way of saying good night—“Ding-dong wedding bells”—even though, like you, we don’t believe in monogamy or marriage or anything like that.

Apologies for publishing this for everyone to see. But it seems like you’ve accidentally changed your number and disabled comments and messages on your social media, you silly goose—typical Aries!