Dear Pepper: Better Late Than Never?

Dear Pepper is a monthly advice-column comic by Liana Finck. If you have questions for Pepper about how to act in difficult situations, please direct them to [email protected]. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.

Dear Pepper,

My husband is chronically late. When we do things as a family, he makes us all late. It will be time to leave. I’ll have us packed up—the dog in his crate, the picnic in the cooler, and the kids tired and ready to nap in the car—and he’ll suddenly remember that he has to go out and return a stack of library books, or urgently needs to do his laundry.

We’ve missed trains, planes, and appointments, and have annoyed—even alienated—friends and family members.

Also, maybe I’m being paranoid, but I sometimes sense that, as the wife and mother, I’m the one who’s blamed for our disorganization.

I’ve tried muscling us into leaving on time.

I️’ve tried being chill and letting my husband arrange everything.

I’ve tried just absenting myself from family outings, or travelling separately.

I️ haven’t much liked any of these options. I’ve of course asked him—in every tone I could think of—to work on this issue, but he seems not to want to hear it. Can you think of anything else I can try to help us get places on time?

Sincerely,
Stumped

Dear Stumped,

Honestly, no, I️ can’t think of anything you haven’t tried. And it sounds to me like you are trying awfully—and I mean awfully—hard. It also sounds like your husband’s lateness is a problem (and one I’ve encountered before).

It’s up to you whether you view it as a big problem or a small problem—whether you see it as part of a larger universe of problems or as a stand-alone.

Whether you decide to be angry or compassionate, to observe or react, to remember or forget—or to mix it up—it’s up to you whether you really want to fix it, live with it, or walk away from it, possibly leaving parts of yourself behind.

But the fact remains that it’s a problem, and that you are pretty helpless to make it go away.

If anyone were to do something about it, that person would have to be your husband. The good (?) news is that things are always changing in unexpected ways. Maybe the world will end tomorrow. Maybe you’ll get a job that requires you to work on weekends and evenings. Maybe you’ll fall asleep and dream that you’ve been given a magic set of wings. Maybe you will wake up only to find that it was not a dream. Maybe . . .

Sorry, I’m back. I️ saw a squirrel. We all have our flaws.

Sincerely,
Pepper