Dear Pepper: Papa, Mama, Can You See Me?

Dear Pepper is a monthly advice-column comic by Liana Finck. If you have questions for Pepper about how to act in difficult situations, please direct them to [email protected]. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.

Dear Pepper,

I’m twenty-five. My parents, though lovely people, don’t see me for who I️ am. They are much more traditional than me, and still expect me to get a “real job” and marry a nice Filipina girl. Every time I️ visit them, they try to take me to church and offer me lovingly prepared meat dishes. Thing is, I’m a freelance writer, nonbinary, not interested in marrying anyone, and vegan.

They’re not all that pushy. If I️ refuse the meat, they don’t insist. But they never learn, either. It hurts me that they don’t get me. They’re both smart, educated people with all kinds of friends, and I expect more from them. I️ don’t feel like they’re withholding anything from me, they’re just lacking a baseline level of awareness.

When is it right to rock the boat by spelling out to them who I am, and when should I️ just graciously sidestep their misconceptions?

Truly,

Unseen

Dear Unseen,

I️ wish I️ knew what they were thinking, parents. How do they not notice that their kids are individual human beings? Is it ever possible for them to learn?

For that matter, the same goes for partners and close friends. Sometimes, I️ think that the closer we are to someone, the less able they are to see us at all.

The trick, perhaps, is to step back and observe. Figure out what they’re receptive to and what’s a lost cause. Try to determine how much directness they can handle, and how much will backfire and just make them defensive. I find that this skill is hard and unintuitive and takes a lot of time to get right. But it does seem like time is on your side. Your family sounds nice! Hopefully, a year from now, they’ll understand you a little better—and, five years from now, you’ll have struck some kind of balance between you pushing them to see you and you accepting that they will probably never see you with twenty-twenty vision. I’m sorry that I️ can’t give you more prescriptive advice than “Watch closely; act accordingly,” but hopefully you’ll find a decent rhythm here.

As a very direct dog, I’ve found that politeness is more important than I️ think it is. Try to speak respectfully even when you’re being direct. Don’t yell. You’ll just make them dig in their heels. At the same time, don’t hide. Don’t eat the meat, don’t go to church if it’s against your values, and certainly don’t marry the girl!

Sincerely,

Pepper