Dear Pepper: Sweet Little Lies

Dear Pepper is a monthly advice-column comic by Liana Finck. If you have questions for Pepper about how to act in difficult situations, please direct them to [email protected]. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.

Dear Pepper,

I’m not someone who finds it easy to lie. I often go to social things I’d rather skip because I️ can’t bring myself to make a nice white lie of an excuse, and I’ve often put my foot in my mouth by speaking too honestly about money and things. That said, I’ve found myself lying to my wife more and more frequently—not about an affair or anything like that. I️ don’t want to have an affair, and if I️ did why would I️ lie about it? But the other day I️ accidentally broke her favorite cup and saucer by trying to throw something on top of the fridge (you had to be there to understand) and missing.

And then I️ just left the broken pieces in the sink. Hours later, when she said “Oh, %#}^*! I️ must have broken my favorite cup and saucer by stacking too many dishes in the sink!” I️ did not correct her. She does stack too many dishes in the sink, and maybe this will be a lesson to her, albeit a fraudulent one. I️ also told her that I️ was seeing an old friend visiting from California in order to get out of a terrible lunch with her friends and their children.

Note that I make an effort to see her friends every month or two because I know it’s important to my wife. I don’t want to see them more than that because I don’t like them—a tricky thing I’d rather not tell my wife. I’ve done it—lied—several times now. I️ find lying to be an excellent and effective way to get what I️ need and keep from hurting or angering my wife. Knowing her, I think it’s unlikely that she will ever catch on to my lies or care much if she does.

But is there anything wrong with this, Pepper? Will I️ ruin my relationship? Will I️ ruin myself?

Pinocchio 

Dear Pinocchio,

My sense here is that you’re using these lies to tell yourself what you need from your wife, teach yourself how to ask for it, and learn how to get it.

These needs sound moderate—that your wife not leave too many dishes in the sink, and that you have input into which social gatherings you attend and for how long.

You seem to have decent values and a fair amount of empathy and self-awareness. You aren’t asking for the moon. So to the first question: no, I️ don’t think you’ll ruin your relationship. Your wife might find out about the lies. Maybe she’ll be hurt. Maybe you’ll have a tough conversation, hopefully one that helps you understand each other well enough that the lying can begin to stop.

As for the second question: Will you ruin yourself? Maybe a little. Ideally, now that you know what it feels like to state your needs, you will figure out new ways of asking for things clearly and not backing down the minute you’re met with resistance.

But what do I️ know? I️ am not truly a qualified advice columnist, and I haven’t taken off my dog mask in years.

Sincerely,
Pepper