E-mail Newsletter from That Guy You Met at a Party Once

Howdy [NAME]!

It’s been a real whirlwind of a month—I’m sure you’ve been wondering, “Where the heck is Josh’s newsletter?!” WELL, Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Mx. Impatient, I’ll have you know that I’ve been busy changing the world. Inflation and the supply chain have been a real—how do you say—BITCH. And that is a technical term. But it’ll take more than inflation to deflate my dream. GoJoe^TM (the heated cup holder to keep your coffee hot when you’re on the go—not that you need a reminder, dear reader) still has heat, baby. Just this week, we came up with a prototype where you can ALMOST fit your coffee into your car’s cup holder with the GoJoe^TM on. Feedback received! Thanks to all our beta testers (a.k.a. Mom, Dad, and the whole trivia team—shout-out to Jurassic Snark).

By now, you’ve certainly seen the big news on my Instagram. (Reminder: I had to delete my old account because the low volume of engagement signalled that I’d been shadow-banned, so follow @GoJoeJosh2.) The news of course is that we’ve hit yet another Learning Opportunity. The producer at “Shark Tank” who I met on my flight back to Milwaukee (Go Brewers!) unfortunately must have misspelled his e-mail when he wrote it down. (Side note: does anyone have Mark Burnett’s e-mail?) Sooo, Plan A is on hold. BUT, as Winston Churchill once said, “Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” (I hope you read that in a British accent, mate!)

Now you’re probably wondering, If I don’t have Mark Burnett’s e-mail, how the hell can I help?! Thanks for asking. That’s the enthusiasm Churchill was talking about!

WARNING: HUGE OPPORTUNITY AHEAD! PROCEED WITH CAUTION IF YOU HATE GOOD IDEAS.

You (YES, YOU!) could be one of our ANGEL INVESTORS. What does that mean? You give us some negligible amount of money, anywhere from two to ten thousand dollars, and we take that money and turn it into dreams. You might have to skip a trip to Target, but in return, we’ll give you any of the following: GoJoe^TM T-shirt, GoJoe^TM sticker (red only), or GoJoe^TM branded socks! And definitely a big sloppy wet one from yours truly.

You can donate via GoFundMe, Venmo, CashApp, Zelle, or by sneaking a twenty into a handshake—we take anything. Euro, peso, even an old lira—we’ll find a way to convert it!

If you’re totally destitute or just not liquid right now (totally get it—everyone’s tied up in crypto), you can help us out by liking and sharing GoJoe^TM posts on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Truth Social.

Now on to family news!

My beautiful, sexy, smart, incredibly accomplished wife, Julia, left her high-paying corporate job at Google to raise Maisie full time. (Best #GirlMom ever.) Google’s BEGGING to have her back, but the hectic schedule of a self-made entrepreneur like me does not leave time to babysit little Mai-Mai. Sorry, Googs, ya can’t have her! And neither can Richard, her high-school sweetheart. I know you’ve been sniffing around, Richie! Jokes, jokes.

Here’s an update on Team GoJoe^TM walking the Mil-WALK-ee 5K! We’re looking for anyone who wants to donate per mile. I’m training hard, though I’ve recently been sidelined by a nasty bunion. If you’re interested in sponsoring either one of the miles or my bunion surgery, you can donate to the GoFundMe.

In closing, if anyone talks to my former business partner, Steven, please tell him that I didn’t mean it and that he took it the wrong way. Anywho, thanks for your continued support. Attached, please see pictures of Maisie in a pumpkin patch!

And thank you for believing in me. If you didn’t believe in me, this whole thing would just be a pipe dream. I need each and every one of you. All of your names are on the wall of my office so that I can look up and remember who I’m doing this all for. YOU. All for you, [NAME].

XO
Josh

Josh White
Owner, Founder, C.E.O., President
GoJoe^TM

“Impossible is a word found only in the dictionary of fools.” —Napoleon Bonaparte

“The real strong have no need to prove it to the phonies.” —Charles Manson

Sent by carrier pigeon. ♦