George Santos Pleads Nonexistent

CENTRAL ISLIP, LONG ISLAND (The Borowitz Report)—In what legal scholars are calling a highly unorthodox strategy, Representative George Santos has pleaded nonexistent in federal court.

Though Santos’s claim not to exist was given long odds of succeeding, he forcefully made his case for his own unreality.

“Your honor, I stand before you, a fictitious character,” Santos proclaimed.

The New York congressman argued that, since he does not exist, all charges against him should be dropped, but he promised to submit to the judicial process in his cinematic universe.