How David Blaine Performs Everyday Tasks

Making Coffee

David puts himself in a giant coffee filter and has boiling water poured over his body. He drinks a nice hot cup of himself to start the day.

Replying to an E-mail

You send an e-mail to David asking him a question. David writes back, “I’ll just tell you in person.” You look up from your computer and David is standing right in front of you. You scream.

Taking the Bus

David waits at a bus stop. When the bus arrives, he holds up his thumb and index finger so it looks like he’s about to squish the bus, like you might do to someone’s head or the moon as a goof. Then he pulls his hand away, and the bus is actually very small and he really is gripping it with his fingers. David puts the bus in his pocket and takes it to work. Everyone inside the bus is now tiny and quite upset.

Reading a Book

David eats the book, one ripped-out page at a time. Then he regurgitates the entire book—good as new. He does not read it.

Shaking Hands

You’re meeting David for the first time, and he puts his hand out for a handshake. As you clasp his hand, he says, “Nice to meet you,” and then starts walking away. But his hand stays in your grip. It is just a disembodied hand, still shaking up and down. This is the worst day of your life.

Using the Bathroom

David stands upright in a bathroom stall for seven days. He consumes only water, and is not allowed to make use of the toilet. The stall is made of glass so everyone can make sure he is not going to the bathroom. He becomes the first person ever to do this, and also the first person ever to want to do this.

Cooking Dinner

David cuts into an onion. The onion is hollow, and inside is a gift card to Red Lobster. He goes to Red Lobster for dinner.

Brushing His Teeth

David puts toothpaste and floss in his mouth, gargles for a bit, then spits out a brand-new Sonicare toothbrush. He brushes his teeth.

Showering

David takes a shower in steaming water for one full month. His hot-water bill is very, very high.

Going to Bed

David has his bed affixed to the side of the Empire State Building, a hundred stories up. He is a restless sleeper, so, if he falls asleep, he will roll off the bed. David must stay in bed with no food or water for a week, and he must not fall asleep. “Why is he doing this?” everyone asks.

We’ll never know. ♦