Kavanaugh Claims Protesters Outside Home Obstructing Daily Keg Delivery

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Brett Kavanaugh blasted protesters outside his home for “callously and cruelly” obstructing the daily keg delivery he has relied upon for the past twenty-two years.

According to the jurist, a truck belonging to Roscoe’s Beer Depot, which has made the regular keg deliveries with no previous interruption, was unable to turn in to Kavanaugh’s driveway and load a keg into the residence’s basement, where it was to be kept at a “cool and frosty temperature” until its contents could be consumed.

“The United States Constitution explicitly protects my right to an uninterrupted flow of beer,” Kavanaugh declared. “This will not stand.”

Kavanaugh said that he has “tried to remain calm” about the beer blockade, but warned protesters that, when he gets down to his final keg, “things could get ugly fast—real fast.”