Lesser-Known KitchenAid Stand-Mixer Attachments

Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment: Can accommodate anything you throw at it—just supply it with constant reassurance and praise.

Homunculus Attachment: Pro: You’ll never want for companionship during meal prep. Con: He has a lot of opinions.

Penis-Pasta-Making Attachment: Sure, it has a one-track mind, but you’ll never show up to a bachelorette weekend empty-handed again.

Downward-Spiraller Attachment: In theory, this should turn your zucchini into zoodles. In actuality, it will stop functioning mid-ribbon, give itself bangs, start chain-smoking, and attempt to turn itself into an N.F.T.

Avoidant Attachment: Purpose unknown—this attachment is virtually impossible to track down.

Self-Mammogram Attachment: This tiny “Star Wars” trash compactor accurately detects breast abnormalities with the turn of a crank. Hospital bills, begone—now you can smoosh your boobs in the privacy of your own home.

E-Mail Attachment: Even if you manage to get it open, it won’t be compatible with your machine and will probably turn whatever you’re making into Spam.

Claw Attachment: Uh-oh! Did you put walnuts in the brownie batter again, and now your five-year-old is threatening to dox you? Turn your child’s picky eating into a game that the whole family can enjoy.

Tough-Guy Attachment: Perfect for intimidating the hypothetical haters spying on you while you make sourdough bread.

Selfie Attachment: If you don’t post your banana-bread story to Instagram, did you even really make banana bread? Ring light and autofocus features included, insuring that you don’t get upstaged by your culinary creation.

Secure Attachment: This attachment won’t take it personally if you don’t use it every time. (Thanks, therapy.) But, if you keep throwing it in the dishwasher instead of hand-washing it, it won’t hesitate to assert its needs.