Mommy, Where Does Money Come From?

Well, I’m glad you asked, kiddo. Financial literacy is a huge part of where money comes from. It’s important to start talking about this early for the sake of compound interest. Not that anyone bothered to mention that to me until I’d already missed my chance at a truly voluptuous curve, if you know what I mean. No, of course you don’t. I’m sorry.

All right, so, first and foremost, money comes from hard work. Money is why Mommy spends so much time looking at her computer and talking to her computer and standing in front of her computer and bowing down before her computer. Basically, for many people, myself included, money comes from computers.

Well, actually, yes—money can come from the Internet. Let’s wait until you’re a little older to talk N.F.T.s. But for now you might like to hear about Internet coins with cool names like Doge and Bit. It’s called crypto, and it’s really fun! Until it disappears, like regular money. Also, making Internet money is really bad for the environment. As it turns out, cryptocurrency has a lot in common with regular old money currency.

O.K., where else? Money comes from manifestation. You write a number on a blank check (I’ll explain what a check is another time) and then carry the check around and look at it every day until that amount of money appears in your bank account. Now, if you happened to swing by a bank while wearing a mask, with a bag, and a note for the teller with that same magic number written on it, and that’s how the money appears in your account, well, that’s one way to manifest your destiny. YOLO.

Money grows on trees! Just kidding. That’s just a silly thing people say. But, if you’re growing certain kinds of plants, there is a ton of money to be made that way these days. It’s legal in more and more states. By the time you’re ready for a career, it’ll be totally legit. From now on, let’s focus on that for you—a career in “tree money.” I think you’ll really enjoy it.

Money comes from real estate. Just a warning, though—everyone is onto this one, which is why there are barely any places left to live. When you’re old enough to be looking at real estate, I imagine it’ll be van life for everyone. But, with the way we’re treating the Earth, floods, fires, heat waves, and deep freezes will make living anywhere pretty rough. Sorry about all that, by the way. In case I forget to say it later.

Money comes from the stock market. It used to be that you’d just take any extra money you had, pick your favorite technology company, buy its stock, and watch the money roll in. But you have to be more careful these days. You never know when a billionaire might threaten to use money from one of your favorite tech companies to buy a different one. It’s annoying and unnecessary, but you have to show a lot of sympathy to billionaires. It’s the American way.

Speaking of the American way, money comes from tax loopholes. There’s this wild one called carried interest. It means that, although everyone else has to share their toys, the kids with the most toys have to pay only twenty per cent in taxes when they for sure should be paying forty per cent. But no career path screams “please cut me some slack in these trying times” more than private equity. At least that’s what my elected officials tell me.

Money comes from the government, but only under the most extreme circumstances. Anything else would make us all lazy. That’s the rumor, anyway. Don’t forget, there will be taxes on that government money, so don’t go doing anything crazy with it like using it all to rest, recover, and remember that you also exist outside of late-capitalist systems.

Money comes from following your bliss. Yeah, I know—O.K., millennial. That one’s feeling pretty outdated. But there’s this thing called quiet quitting, where you don’t treat your job like it defines your worth. Maybe both money and bliss can come from that?

Where, oh where, does money come from? I know I’ve confused you, little one. Let’s keep it simple. There’s a bird called the stork. It drops money off on certain people’s doorsteps. This happens when they turn twenty-five, and the money is wrapped in a special blanket called a trust fund. But, since the stork doesn’t know our address, I’d suggest you look into a lemonade stand to start. And, please, do not forget about compound interest. ♦