My Last Will and Testament, on VHS

If you are watching this, it means I am dead. It also means that you have managed to find a VCR. Well done. I was concerned that recording a VHS tape was no longer a viable way to prepare a Video Will, but I have always believed in tradition, particularly the tradition of forcing an expressionless lawyer to insert a tape into a VCR while one’s adult children sit in tense anticipation around a large glossy table, some dabbing their eyes, others stealing suspicious glances at their stepmother, who appears all too composed. Besides, it would seem crass to prepare for one’s demise by recording a digital Video Will preset to go out as an e-mail blast, or, worse, posted to a surprise WhatsApp group called Father Has Perished. If your loved ones don’t have their settings right, the video would automatically save to their phones, and who has enough storage for a six-minute Surprise Will from Dad? My survivors might feel obligated to delete their vacation pics, and that shall not be my legacy.

So why have I chosen to relay my posthumous wishes thusly, instead of with a normal will that everyone can just read? Is it because I fear that I will be murdered? Not a chance. My loyal security chief, Gerard, has signed an irrevocable no-murder pledge, and, to reward him, I’ve left him a fortune in gold bullion in the event of my untimely death by murder. So, no way it was him.

Now, with a heavy heart, it’s bequeathin’ time! To my eldest, Brinston, I leave the vast stock portfolio I have amassed as a captain of industry. To his brother Nuthbert, I leave my considerable real-estate holdings as a city father. As for the swag I received as a visiting grandee, it shall go to my twins, Ruster and Baoiaioin.

This is much better than reading a boring paper will, right? I feel like the host of a reality show called “What You Deserve.”

On to my precious daughter, Elindagel. I have no doubt that you are sitting there with a brave face, trying to suppress tears as you recall our childhood games of penny-snoot and dollop-the-heath. It’s pretty sad that you never beat me at those games, even though you made them up and they were super easy. It would bring great comfort to my soul if you were to take charge of my racing stables (for the horses trust you above all others), and also my business empire and my collection of airport magnets. Do not let “Chillaxin’ at LAX” fall into the hands of my rival monopolist, R. Gribbs.

To R. Gribbs, I leave my fleet of midsize luxury hats. He has earned them after a life spent in relentless pursuit of outliving me. Kudos, Gribbs! Is he in the room there? I should hope not, given our horn-locking, but, if he suddenly enters to claim what by no right should be his, what a shocker that would be! I’m all for it. Every Video Will needs a moment when the assembled gasp, and someone storms out in fury. Perhaps it will be your stepmother, who up until now has been curiously unruffled. Is she ruffled? Ridged, at least? I cannot see, because I am dead.

This is fun. Imagine if, before I passed, each of you had lovingly sat at my bedside, so I could have conveyed my wishes in person. No, it was definitely the right move to make you watch a tape together in order to hear all of the shattering revelations at the same time. I hereby confess my addiction to pornographic video games! What can I say, they’re a romp.

You will each find, in front of you on the table, a carved mahogany box. You may now open it. Inside, you will find a key to a separate safe-deposit box. I admire safe-deposit boxes above all other forms of storage; they are as impractical as a Video Will. A tiny key that you have to keep track of for years, so that you can travel to a faraway building and ask permission to see your own diamond? Exquisite. What will you find awaiting you at the bank? A mysterious photograph of the very box that sits before you, leading you on a wild and recursive hunt for my ultimate treasure. I’ll save you some time: the final clue is “pizza” and the treasure is a weird little golden fish.

I realize this must be difficult. I don’t expect you to approve of everything I’ve said today, any more than I expect this recording to hold up in probate court. But I am grateful that this Video Will has afforded you, my dear ones, a last chance to see me in full flower, while I’m, like, mega-compos-mentis, doing what I love most about being alive: living. Now I bid you adieu, and before we part forever I want to assure you that I leave this world at peace, satisfied with what I have accomplished. Because, for once, everyone had to watch my pick for Movie Night. ♦