My Roommate’s Big on TikTok, and She Can Go to Hell

So, my roommate and I were doing fine until she got famous on TikTok. I think the fame’s changed her because she is not the same girl I used to know.

Like, last night, I heard weird noises, so I came out of my room, and there she was, crawling on the ceiling and vomiting blood. And I’m, like, “Could you not?” And she’s, like, “I’m selling a piece of my soul to a demon for more TikTok followers—don’t interrupt me!”

I just don’t think I understand her anymore.

Like, I know that getting a hundred thousand TikTok followers is a big deal, or whatever, but does she have to sacrifice a goat in the middle of the living room? The smell is terrible, and she didn’t even clean up the guts properly! We’re never getting the blood out of the rug.

But that’s not even the biggest issue.

The biggest issue is that she just did a brand partnership with Amazon. Which, like, no judgment—I know we all have to make a living somehow—but can’t she use her brand for good? I confronted her about it, and she was, like, “Part of the whole demon agreement was that I back Amazon. Chill.” And it’s, like, “Do you hear yourself?!”

There are just way better brand partnership options out there—that’s all I’m saying.

And now she’s all passive aggressive about how I’m only on Instagram. She’s, like, “You should at least try BeReal!” And, “Sometimes I wish I never sold my soul to a demon, because my insides are literally on fire all the time, and I just want to go back to not being on TikTok like you are.” And, like, O.K., keep the insults coming, girl—we all think it’s hilarious.

Anyway, last night, I came home, and she’s rocking back and forth, laughing in this deep, maniacal voice, and then a portal opens up to what looks like Hell, and she gets sucked right in.

And it’s, like, of course she goes on a last-minute trip without telling me and leaves her demonic Hell beast behind for me to feed and walk three times a day.

That was the final straw.

So now I’m seeing all her Instagram stories and TikToks from what looks like Hell, but, whatever, I found a new roommate who’s not on social media at all. He’s cool—he has blue flames for hair and harvests dead souls in the underworld, or something indie like that.

Anyway, hope you guys liked this—it’s my first attempt at a TikTok vid! Like if you want more. ♦