New Twitter Check Marks in a Rainbow of Colors

Twitter launched a new verified program this winter with manual authentication and different-colored check marks for different types of users. The C.E.O., Elon Musk, tweeted, “Gold checks for companies, grey check for government, blue for individuals (celebrity or not) . . . Painful, but necessary.”

The program has been so successful that Twitter is already upgrading, adding new colors to its verification palette. Choose your shade, and price range!

New Blues!

Teal ($8/month). Account holders may impersonate anyone in their family, apartment building, workplace, health club, church, or H.M.O.

Light, Light, Light Blue ($16.99/month). Account holders may impersonate any celebrities who have not had a movie or television credit since 1991. (Price includes monthly $8.99 IMDb-research fee.)

“Blue” ($7.99/month). The blue check mark is in quotes, which indicates a verified parody for account holders who feel a little guilty about pretending to be Matt Gaetz, Lenovo, or Pete Davidson.

Double Blue ($8/month). Two check marks. Elon Musk-impersonator accounts only. No smokers. (Fee will be waived if Mr. Musk retweets any posting as his own.)

Chlorine Blue ($25/month). Man comes by once a month to skim the top of your phone or PC.

Turquoise/Zircon ($8/month). Special shade for December-born account holders only. Must submit birth certificate. Or fake birth certificate. Or correct page from bank calendar.

Denim ($8/month, $18/month if you want check in boot cut).

Midnight Blue ($8/month). Available only to account holders above Eighty-sixth Street in Manhattan with working Time Warner coaxial-cable box.

Jackie Blue ($6/month). Special twenty-five-per-cent discount for members of Ozark Mountain Daredevils or Ozark Mountain Daredevils tribute band. Living members.

Blue Sweater/Glasses ($70/month, dark money only, please!). Limited to the following accounts: @georgesantosreallyIswear, @georgewashingsantos, @baruchvolleyballfantasyleague, @resumetheposition, @goldmansantos, @itsrainingmendacity, @Imightbespartacus, @marjorietaylorsantos, @mymominventedwiteout.

NEW GRAYS!

Grey (£6.63/month). Sure, the foreign currency seems silly, but it won’t be next month, when we impose tariffs on all incoming and outgoing international tweets.

Gunmetal ($2/month). Available for all political candidates with an A rating or above from the N.R.A., following background check. JK . . . Why would there be a background check?

Charcoal ($18/month). Price includes unlimited tweets, plus fixins.

Fifty Shades of Grey ($4.95/minute). Personalized audio tweets only. Must be eighteen or older. Additional data-usage rates may be applied. (Safe word: “SpaceX.”)

NEW GOLDS!

Harvest Gold (eighty cents/month). For this designation (and to earn the reduced corporate rate), companies must prove that they were formed between 1968 and 1978 in somebody’s mom’s kitchen.

Fool’s Gold ($8,000/month). Account holders may impersonate a piece of cryptocurrency and declare bankruptcy and solvency up to six times a day. (Must pay five years of monthly fees in advance, nonrefundable.)

OTHER COLORS!

Orange ($20.24/month). Trump and Trump-related impersonators only, including fake D.O.J., N.Y.A.G., Georgia A.G., SCOTUS, and global strongmen other than Recep Tayyip Erdoğan (whose account, @realdictator, was permanently suspended for violating Twitter’s “no mothers” policy).

Coffee ($8/month, $10 with shot).

Almond ($8/month). Do not apply for this designation if you have a nut allergy.

Green and Yellow ($8/month). Fake Wordle scores only! Don’t ruin it for everybody. (Today’s answer: S P A C E).

Flesh-and-Blood Red ($7/month). Bots only. No central nervous systems allowed. You can be designed by a human, but that’s the end of it. Yes, we fired most of our workforce, but the Adderall-jacked employees who remain will follow up. (Special rates for bot armies.)

IN DEVELOPMENT

Ye-low ($500 out of pocket, then $8 co-pay/Rx). Kanye impersonators only. Status on hold owing to pending antitrust litigation to determine whether Mr. West is already impersonating himself, as well as all his personalities, and is therefore a monopoly.

Blank Check ($0/month). Please sign, date, and make out to Elon Musk. ♦