Police Baffled as to Who Threw Ketchup at D.O.J. Building

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Police in Washington, D.C., say they are “baffled” as to the identity of the person who hurled ketchup at the Department of Justice headquarters.

The act of vandalism, which occurred in the early hours of Tuesday, left a red smear the approximate size of a paper plate on the side of the D.O.J. building, the Metropolitan Police Department has confirmed.

An investigation of debris near the smear site indicates that French fries “may have played a role” in the incident, according to an M.P.D. spokesman.

The spokesman, Harland Dorrinson, held an impromptu press conference to urge residents of the District to “remain calm,” assuring them that the ketchup-hurling event “appears to be an isolated incident,” though the identity of the perpetrator remains unknown.

“M.P.D. profilers are working on this case around the clock,” he said. “They are attempting to determine who had the motivation, the lack of impulse control, and the access to ketchup and fries to commit such an act.”