Prince Harry Talkin’ Trauma

Harry spoke with multiple producers and production houses . . . to discuss possible shows. Along the way, Harry listened to various ideas from others but mostly stuck by his own—including one about childhood trauma. The concept: Harry would interview a procession of controversial guests, such as Vladimir Putin, Mark Zuckerberg and Donald Trump, about their early formative years and how those experiences resulted in the adults they are today. . . . Harry hoped to have Pope Francis on as a guest.

—Bloomberg.

Many of these chats were recorded. Here’s a sampling:
 

HARRY: So, was your childhood difficult? I mean, compared with mine?

PUTIN: Well, did you know my grandfather was a cook for both Lenin and Stalin? Can you imagine? Both of them, they’d pretend to eat grains and dirt, the food of the people, but Grandpa is fixing them kugel and vichyssoise and cupcakes. Lenin loved cupcakes. He would ask, “Should I promise the people cupcakes?”

HARRY: But were you hounded by paparazzi?

PUTIN: No, just wolves and other children. But, when kids would pick on me, do you know what I’d do? Two words: poisoned cupcakes.

HARRY: Was your father very distant?

PUTIN: Yes, sometimes we were in Leningrad, he was in Moscow. Many kilometres.

HARRY: Did you ever feel lost?

PUTIN: Of course. In the Leningrad train depot, because sometimes it was called St. Petersburg, so I’d wonder, How did I get to Florida?
 

HARRY: Mr. Trump, when you were a child, did you think your life was glamorous?

TRUMP: I grew up in Queens, so yes.

HARRY: Did you always want to be a businessman?

TRUMP: No, actually, I wanted to be a baseball player, but my dad gave me a million dollars and said, “Now you’re a businessman.” Then I went bankrupt six times and my dad said, “I should’ve been more specific. I should’ve said, ‘Now you’re a good businessman.’ ”

HARRY: Did you have trouble dating, because you were famous?

TRUMP: Never. So many girls—all they wanted to do was date me. So I’d pay them, and then they’d want another date. I thought, Man, I’m so popular.

HARRY: Why didn’t you join the Army, like me?

TRUMP: Bone spurs, I think on my hands, somewhere. I wanted to enlist, but my doctor told me, “You have bone spurs, also syphilis.” I’m kidding! I didn’t have bone spurs.
 

HARRY: When you were little, did your footmen ever laugh at you?

ZUCKERBERG: Everyone laughed, because I cut my own hair, in a bowl cut. So I told myself, “Someday they’ll be sorry. Someday I’ll cut their hair.”

HARRY: Did people expect you to be perfect?

ZUCKERBERG: Define “people.”

HARRY: Your parents or teachers or your whole country.

ZUCKERBERG: Speak English. I’m still not getting the “people” thing.

HARRY: Did you dream of stealing the idea for Facebook and making billions?

ZUCKERBERG: Yes. And now I’m in a cage match with Elon Musk. Which was also a childhood dream. Along with having sex several times, with another person. Oh, now I’m getting your “people” thing.
 

HARRY: Your Holiness, when you were in grade school, did your teachers say, “You’d better behave, because someday you might be the Pope”?

FRANCIS: Yes, and then my mama would say, “If everyone else in the world dies.”

HARRY: Do you miss your mom? She would’ve been so proud.

FRANCIS: Sometimes I picture her in Heaven, telling Jesus, “It’s still not a grandchild.”

HARRY: Did you have problems with your brother?

FRANCIS: I had four siblings, so I’d tell them, “Someday, when I’m the Pope, you’re gonna want to be blessed. And you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna say, ‘Guards, give my brother a wedgie.’ ”

HARRY: Are you trying to make the world a better place?

FRANCIS: Every day. Mostly so I can meet Kate Middleton. What’s she like?

HARRY: A little chilly.

FRANCIS: Yum. That’s my type. I once met Ivanka Trump, and do you know what she asked me? She said, “Mr. Pope, can I build a golf course in the Vatican? And am I prettier than Kate Middleton? And was marrying Jared the best I could do?” So I told her, “If you wanted my answers, maybe you shouldn’t have converted to Judaism.”

HARRY: What advice would you give to a young prince?

FRANCIS: Just what I told Ivanka, if I was in her shoes. I said, “Listen to me, bubbeleh: pray.” ♦