Proverbs for Your Thirties

Always put your best foot forward. Because, now that you’re in your thirties, you definitely have one foot that’s worse than the other.

When one door closes, another one opens. That’s called a draft. Your landlord does not plan on helping you fix this.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Consistent employment is hard to find, so apples are now your health insurance.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Remember this if you’re ever able to afford the down payment on that glass house you favorited on Zillow.

Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Freeze some, just in case.

You made your bed; now you have to lie in it. But it’s from IKEA and you built it wrong, so now you’re lying on the floor.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Listen to someone else talk about the book on a podcast, and then just pretend you’ve already read it.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer—by watching everything they do on Instagram.

A picture is worth a thousand words. But it will take a thousand pictures to find the one you think you look good in.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I think it’s because they do CrossFit? I don’t know. You don’t have to go with them.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. But it did eventually get built. That being said, at least try to finish doing your laundry.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three lefts do. And your 2002 Honda Civic can only make lefts now, so make three lefts.

No news is good news. Seriously, all the news is bad now.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. So buy two cakes. One for eating, and another for having (read: eating later). You’re an adult now—you can do what you want!

But you can’t always get what you want. So just start wanting things you already have, like your friend’s parents’ HBO password.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. “Like” their tweets.