Questions Reporters Ask Mrs. Claus That They Would Never Ask Mr. Claus

“Who’s watching the world’s children while you’re in the workshop?”

“Any advice for ladies looking to lose that milk-and-cookies weight?”

“How does it feel to be the world’s most innovative toy-maker’s muse?”

“Why red? Why a suit? And would you say that it’s brave to be seen in public wearing something so comfortable?”

“What’s it like to be a woman in STEM (Santa’s Toy-Enterprise Mission)?”

“You’re such a maternal figure to children across the globe—when are you going to have one of your own?”

“I’m thinking about all the little girls who look up to you. Are you setting the right example by shackling yourself to the patriarchal heteronormative institution of marriage?”

“Do you feel like you have the right kind of temperament to lead this rapidly growing organization?”

“How’s the love life with the big man? Are you on the ‘naughty list’ this year?”

“Is it true that you keep the ‘nice list’ on a private e-mail server?”

“Isn’t the greeting ‘ho ho ho’ a bit misogynistic?”

“Have you heard of this cool holiday called ‘Christmas’? Would you like me to explain it to you?”

“You have a pretty chilly workplace. Are you sure that you don’t want to borrow my jacket?”

“Is the stress of the holiday season getting to you, or are you just on your period?”

“What would you say to those who accuse you of spending too much time being holly-jolly, and too little time focussing on the issues that face hardworking North Polers?”

“How many chimneys did you shimmy down before hitching your wagon to Santa’s sleigh?”

“What’s your response to accusations that you rode on the back of Mr. Claus’s crimson coattails to get where you are today?”

“Want some hot cocoa? Do you mind making me a cup, too?”

“Rudolph has been in office for nearly a century. Have you thought about using your platform to convince Santa that a female reindeer should guide his sleigh this foggy Christmas Eve?”

“Why didn’t you keep your maiden name?”

“Have you considered adding some makeup to your Christmas wish list? Nothing wrong with your natural look, of course—I think it’s festive.”

“It’s Christmas—why don’t you smile more?”

“Is it hard to stand out in the male-dominated industry of holiday mascots? How do you compete with Santa, the Easter Bunny, Cupid, Jack Frost, Hanukkah Harry, Baby New Year, the Krampus, and Punxsutawney Phil?”

“Why haven’t you dyed those not-so-stray grays?”

“Is it tough to maintain yuletide cheer in the shadow of Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization?”

“How do you balance being a girlboss with being a sassy, spunky, plucky, feisty, fierce, badass, gutsy, whip-smart, fiery, spitfire firecracker?”

“As a public figure, how do you manage to stay so consistently out of shape?”

“Mrs. Claus, do you have any comment about the deplorable working conditions faced by the elves at Santa’s workshop? Doesn’t the refusal to recognize their union directly undercut your feminist ideology?”

“Mrs. Claus, do you have any comment about the male-dominated culture faced by the elves at Santa’s workshop? Doesn’t the refusal to lay them all off and replace them with female elves directly undercut your feminist ideology?

“Would you have sex with Pete Davidson?” ♦