Roles That You, a Digitally Scanned Background Actor, Will Soon Be Performing

“They proposed that our background performers should be able to be
scanned, get paid for one day’s pay, and the company should be able to
own that scan, that likeness, for the rest of eternity, on any project
they want, with no consent and no compensation.” —Duncan
Crabtree-Ireland, SAG-AFTRA’s Chief Negotiator

Morning Commuter Heading to Soul-Crushing Job in Midtown

Hey, that’s your blurry face right behind digitally de-aged Tom Hanks in the opening credits of the newest chatbot-written Nora Ephron movie! And you never even had to show up to set wearing a polyester-blend suit on a ninety-degree summer day, and you never will again. Save that business attire for non-acting-related job interviews (which you’ll have to take a lot more of now).

Crowd Member in Musician Bio-pic

Remember when we scanned your fist moving from side-to-side? Well, get ready to wave your digitally-inserted lighter at standing-room arena concerts in perpetuity! We’re churning out bio-pics about every musical artist, problematic or not, that our record-label subsidiary has the rights to—coincidentally, also without those performers’ consent.

Expendable Soldier

We’re throwing you right onto the front lines of every war, real or imagined, that moviegoers will pay to see. Gruesomely die over and over and over again as you sacrifice yourself for the kingdom, republic, or our very own American plutocracy!

Cousin of Main Character in Framed Photos

Whether you sort of resemble John Boyega, Michelle Yeoh, or Richard Kind, our A.I. will replicate your smiling mug all over the protagonist’s home as proof that they come from a loving and facially similar family.

Driver Who Abandons Car and Runs for Dear Life When the Hulk Starts Throwing Shit

We’re almost done generating “Avengers Twenty-Eight: Part Seventeen,” and all the money that Disney saved by not paying hundreds of union actors in crowd scenes will help fund Bob Iger’s next helipad. Welcome to the new and artificially improved Marvel Cinematic Universe!

Enthusiastic DeSantis Supporter

Naturally, we’re licensing out our deepfake tech to politicians, too. Uncharismatic candidates who can’t even fill up an Iowa diner can now thank us for your support. As we like to say, “Your body, our choice!”

Racist Who Yells Epithets at Child on Way to Newly Desegregated School

You’re on the wrong side of history in every future Civil Rights-era movie that we hope will win us golden statues.

Believable Pervert in Police Lineup

Spoiler: your character didn’t actually do anything indecent, but your face is right next to the guy who did!

Nazi Who’s a Liiiiiiiitle Too Into It

Even the actor cast as Hitler was, like, “Whoa, buddy.”

Heroic and Lovable A.M.P.T.P. Member

We’re already developing a movie about the 2023 Hollywood strikes, because of course we are. No writers attached yet (they’re still picketing), but we do have a logline: the maligned, misunderstood, and conventionally attractive producers stand up to the greedy guild members who want to take unnecessary money away from billionaires for things like “food” and “shelter.” ChatGPT has already given it two (of your digitally scanned) thumbs up!

Villager with Pitchfork in Live-Action “Shrek” Remake

Get out of our studio, haha! Seriously, though. ♦