Self-Care Conundrums

“Self-care” matters so much. In fact, it’s the most important thing, and you should feel really bad about yourself when you don’t prioritize it. But what to do when your various self-care objectives collide? Consider the following puzzling situations.

You can either leave the party at ten, so that you can wake up early and go to the gym, or you can stay out and keep drinking. Do you treat yourself to a night of fun, or treat yourself to a morning of endorphins?

You’re in the middle of reading a self-help book. The author tells you to cut nonessential activities out of your life and focus only on what’s important. Do you stop reading the book to avoid burnout? What if there’s better advice later on?

You want to enjoy some peanut butter, and you deserve to indulge. Sadly, it’s your roommate’s peanut butter, and she tends to violate your boundaries by asking that you not eat her food. What do you do?

You see a bouquet of flowers. You know that you should treat yourself—you earned it, girl, just for being you! Literally, just being you—that’s the only thing you’ve ever done. However, the flowers aren’t for sale. Do you steal them from the child who just finished her ballet recital? Making a kid cry will make you feel guilty, and that’s just not fair to you—as women, we carry around enough guilt.

You deserve a trip to Hawaii. Unfortunately, you can’t afford it. Should you open an offshore account to evade paying taxes, so that you can save up for the trip next year? Crunching numbers is stressful, but offshore—that’s like a relaxing beach, right?

You plan a craft day to hold space for your inner child, but making popsicle-stick towers aggravates your carpal tunnel. Should you skip the project altogether, or should you get creative in another way—maybe by finding original methods for moving assets around?

You’re trying to be mindful of the ways in which following the law makes you unhappy. It’s time to let go of who you think you should be, and focus on being who you truly are. The bad news is it turns out that breaking laws is illegal—what a pickle!

You start a gratitude journal to manifest your best self. Truthfully, what you’re most grateful for is the pyramid scheme that you’ve successfully created. Do you post the journal entry publicly, even though doing so could lead the Feds to your door?

You need to unplug, and you should. But your dad says that you need to hire a lawyer. Ugh, can’t he handle it? Your phone’s on airplane mode. It’s, like, put your own mask on before helping others, right?

You want to dance—valid—but you’re in handcuffs, and you worry you’ll look goofy. Do you let shame take the wheel, or do you show your true colors? (Orange.)

You read Marie Kondo, and now you’re ready to declutter, declutter, declutter. The bad news is that you’re in prison. Your pillow really doesn’t bring you joy, but it’s also your only possession. Do you toss it?

A train is speeding down a track. It can either veer off and kill one person or continue straight and kill two. Do you tell the fellow-prisoner trying to discuss moral philosophy to fuck off and let you get back to your essential me-time?