Signs Your Dog May Be Smarter Than You

You gave him an ironic name, like Einstein, but that just lit a fire under him to achieve.

When he brings you the paper, the sudoku is already finished, and the gossip section is ripped to shreds.

You catch him with his dog friends sitting around a table—like in that famous dogs-playing-poker painting—but, instead of gambling, they’re solving the climate crisis. Their solution? More walks.

You throw a ball and say, “Fetch,” and he rolls his eyes because he thought you said “Fletch,” the lowbrow Chevy Chase comedy, which he loathed. Then, when you ask for the ball back by saying, “Give,” he rolls his eyes again because he thought you said “Live,” as in “Fletch Lives,” the even lower-brow sequel, which he also loathed.

Instead of saying “Woof-woof,” he says, “Ahem, pardon the interruption, but I couldn’t help overhearing. I have actually met Noam Chomsky, and let me tell you”—your dog pauses to vomit, then eat the puke—“he is every bit as brilliant as you’d think!”

He isn’t attracted to pink poodles like in the cartoons, because that is literally insane.

He reads a Zagat review before licking his own butt. ♦