Susan Collins Calls 911 After Receiving Copy of Constitution in Mail

BANGOR, Maine (The Borowitz Report)—In what she described as a “genuinely terrifying” incident, Senator Susan Collins called 911 after receiving a copy of the United States Constitution in the mail.

Collins recalled the feeling of abject fear after opening her mail and recognizing the eighteenth-century document.

“I had never read it before, so it took me a moment to figure out what it was,” she said. “Once I saw that it had been written in an old-timey way, I put two and two together.”

After she called 911, a squad car from the Bangor police arrived and carefully removed the Constitution from the premises.

“I exhaled when I realized that the danger had passed,” Collins said. “But it was a close call.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell blasted the person or persons who mailed the Constitution to Collins.

“I recognize that emotions are running high right now, but there is no excuse for making a United States senator read the Constitution,” he said.