The Average Contestant on British Baking Shows vs. the Average Contestant on American Cooking Shows

British: Ian is a landscape architect and retired Navy man. He spends his free time restoring eighteenth-century clocks, learning to play the pipe organ, and embroidering floral neckerchiefs for the needy.

American: Sarah is a former James Beard-nominated chef trying to break back into the industry. Her hobbies include paying down medical debt, blaming herself for the breakdown of her marriage, and getting increasingly depressing tattoos.

British: If he wins, Ian will take home a small valueless trophy, a tasteful bouquet of flowers, and the satisfaction of a job well done. And it would be a delightful surprise for his mum, who still thinks that his sausage rolls could never compete with hers!

American: If Sarah makes it to the final round, she’ll win a quarter of a million dollars and won’t have to let Gordon Ramsay shave her head. Winning would allow Sarah to breathe freely—the oppressive weight of failure finally lifted, at least fleetingly, from her chest. The prize money would also help her chip away at the aforementioned medical debt.

British: Ian finds joy in his family, the heirloom chickens he raises for eggs and companionship, and a perfect summer tomato. His favorite food is the humble Cornish pasty.

American: Sarah is happy only in the sweet oblivion of sleep. Her favorite meal is black coffee and Soylent—she seared off her taste buds twelve years ago in a tragic coq-au-vin accident and derives no pleasure from the consumption of food.

British: Ian struggled the most during caramel week. The humid weather made for quite a sticky situation with his delicate sugarwork! His greatest personal setback during filming was when he had to miss his granddad’s ninety-second birthday.

American: Sarah had the most difficulty with the seven-course meal challenge, in which chefs had to incorporate at least four ingredients that they were actively allergic to. Her greatest personal setback was not being allowed to bring her insulin on set after competitors complained that it gave her an unfair advantage.

British: The other bakers have become Ian’s second family, forming a warm new community of like-minded, supportive individuals.

American: Sarah admitted that she does regret stabbing Chef Rob in the thigh with a corkscrew, even though Chef Rob is a raging misogynist with less talent in his whole body than Sarah has in each of her shrivelled taste buds.

British: Ian’s become known for his ruddy cheeks and big smile, and for always having a carpenter’s pencil tucked jauntily behind one ear.

American: Sarah’s signature look is the thirteen nicotine patches she wears to manage the stress of competition.

British: Ian’s fondest memory from the season so far was when everyone came together to help him plate his lavender-blueberry macarons. His most frustrating moment came when the judges said that his apple cake was “stodgy” and “a bit disappointing.”

American: Sarah’s favorite moment so far was when that asshole Rob dropped his duck confit on the ground after the hosts released the swarm of angry hornets. Her most upsetting memory is when the judges called her a “talentless clown” and described her chilaquiles as “an affront to God.”

British: Ian hails from the quaint village of St. Stratfordshirelet-by-the-Sea. He grew up assisting his gran whenever she made Sunday supper, but only began taking his baking seriously four years ago. He’s a relatively private person, but he did disclose that he has three daughters and a dog named Margaret.

American: Sarah was born and raised in Hell’s Kitchen (Gordon Ramsay’s Las Vegas restaurant, not the neighborhood in Manhattan). Her first word was “vichyssoise.” She was seven years old when she lost her faith in humanity.

British: Ian’s greatest baking triumph was his triple-layer Black Forest gâteau, which featured a perfectly smooth mirror glaze. His greatest baking failure was, weirdly enough, a simple tray of brownies.

American: Sarah’s most impressive cooking feat was deboning an entire swordfish while still temporarily blinded from the pepper-spray challenge. Her greatest baking failure was, weirdly enough, a simple tray of brownies. ♦