The Gifted Child’s Gift Guide

Are you disappointed that your school did away with its problematic and deeply biased “gifted children” program? Are you looking to use your generational wealth to guarantee your child’s success? You came to the right place. The Gifted Child Toy Shoppe can help put your child on the accelerated track of life when you shop our collection of traditionally crafted, open-ended, fun-adjacent, and vaguely Amish-looking child-development toys.

Organic Wooden Blocks, $220
Unlike standard blocks, these are made from rough-hewn maple that’s been left out in the elements to rot into organic shapes. Their jagged edges make them difficult to stack, encouraging your child to develop problem-solving skills and grit. Because we know that what your child’s really building is character. Perfect for the child who requested Lego Star Wars sets but will not be getting them. (Available with or without splinters. Splinters recommended for ages two and up.)

Formless Blanket Dolls, $159
Did you know that dolls with faces and bodies can ruin your child’s creativity and life? At the Gifted Child Toy Shoppe, we believe that every child is just one Barbie away from a dreary, midlevel career. Instead, we recommend Formless Blanket Dolls. Put your child on the path to becoming their own boss and retiring by forty with a doll that sparks the imagination. Crafted from hand-combed, minimally processed, free-range alpaca fur (extra scratchy!), these faceless and shapeless lumps are ready to catapult your child’s pretend play to the next level.

Felt Mushroom Set, $85
You know that your child will inherit your assets. But how can you be certain they’ll add to those assets, assuring your family’s prosperity for generations to come? By purchasing this adorable collection of felt mushrooms! Why mushrooms? Why are they made of felt? What are they for? These are questions your gifted child will wrestle with. And that thought experiment will prepare them for a lifetime of success, influence, and positive reflection on you.

A Table Saw for Making Your Own Nursery Furniture, $1800
This table saw is perfect for the child who asked for a video-game system but will not be getting one. Nothing develops better hand-eye coördination than the very real fear of getting your hand stuck in a piece of machinery. Every child should learn to work with their hands—and then become so successful that they never need to. This is an important first step. Adult supervision discouraged.

“A Rainbow of Neutrals” Wall Hanging, $310
Studies have found that traditional rainbow colors can be overstimulating. Instead, this holiday season, give your child the gift of serenity with “A Rainbow of Neutrals.” This beautiful work of art comes on hand-stretched Bavarian canvas and is available in two color stories: wheat/natural/taupe/spelt or écru/smoke/mushroom/regret. Guaranteed to calm a child’s mind as they strive to meet your impossibly high standards.

Swedish Hinsveg Loom, $4500
We polled the most recent class of Rhodes scholars and every single one of them grew up in a household with a loom. Just saying.

Self-Actualization, the Board Game, $79
Family game night just got a whole lot more introspective. Parents and kids race through “Self-Doubt Forest” on their journey toward “Mindfulness Island.” Players who pull a coveted “Delayed Gratification” card get the privilege of not playing for six whole turns. The MacArthur Foundation is notoriously tight-lipped about how it selects its geniuses, but we think this game might have something to do with it!

Just a Curved Piece of Wood, $279
Self-explanatory.

The Public-School-Experience Capsule, $699
Sure, you send your child to an élite coöperative Waldorf-essori forest school of the arts and sciences. But you don’t want them to lose touch with the working-class ethos of their screen-time-indulged peers. This capsule collection includes all the necessary supplemental materials to make your child feel like they went to an underfunded public school: a vintage 2012 textbook still in use, a square-pizza lunch, and a glossary of terms found in current media (“Baby Shark,” “Daniel Tiger,” “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”). Familiarize your child with these terms and watch them effortlessly relate to their economically less advantaged neighbors. Perfect for the child who requested “just to be normal for once” but will not be getting it! ♦