Top Features of Meta’s Threads App

Meta’s new Twitter rival, Threads, débuted to wide acclaim, gaining tens of millions of users overnight. Here are the features that are delighting the Threads community:

• The app automatically deactivates your phone’s screen-time-limit
  feature.
• Meta has promised a forthcoming Begrudgingly Agree button.
• Third-party Presidential candidates get pre-bullied before joining.
• The algorithm specifically filters out people you follow.
• It is more ethical than Twitter, as it’s run by a C.E.O. with slightly fewer billions of dollars.
• A hard ban on the word “fam” has been instituted.
• Moms are required to prove that they’re cool to join by uploading a photo of their record collections, or some interesting fibre art, or something.
• There are no hashtags, so no pretending that you know how to use them.
• There are no D.M.s, so you have to flaunt your perversions out in the open for all to see.
• Use your previously useless Bluesky invite code to get thirty per cent off your next Facebook Marketplace purchase.
• There’s a nudity filter, though it still needs beta testing. Who wants to go first? Looking at you, Obama.
• When you post a European-vacation photo, you must disclose how you were able to afford the trip.
• Hateful speech will not be tolerated—unless it’s directed at my snivelling, worthless neighbor, Gary. Eat lead, Gary. (Update: Zuckerberg has announced that the honeymoon phase will end on July 23rd, when he plans to let the racists in.)
• Unlike other social-media platforms, Threads boosts your self-esteem by making Likes nearly impossible to receive.
• Although user numbers remain comparatively low, fans will be able to connect with celebrities in more intimate ways, such as by threatening self-harm if Taylor Swift doesn’t give you free concert tickets.
• Since the app is linked to your Instagram, you can rest assured that your personal data were sold long before you even signed up.
• You can now take part in a trend colloquially known as “the shuffle”: spend all day on Threads; get fired from job; more time for Threads.
• Fake news is impossible to spread on Threads since it’s understood that no one means anything they say.
• It’s also understood that every Thread is meant to be read in a massively ironic voice.
• They only allow hotties on Threads. So, if you made it, congrats 😉 ♦