Twenty-one Things That Would More Appropriately Be Named Omicron Than a New Coronavirus Variant

A new polymer fibre with uncommon moisture-wicking properties, soon to be popularized by ice dancers at the Beijing Olympics.

The third-highest state of being for a Scientologist.

A prostatitis drug for which Steve Schirripa is the spokesman.

Donald Fagen’s first post-Walter Becker album of new Steely Dan material.

The custom-built Hohner keyboard-saxophone hybrid that Fagen plays on the “Omicron” album.

A pesticide that is banned around the world but still used in lawless Belarus.

A suspiciously expensive course of self-actualization workshops held in the ballroom of the Sheraton Grand Chicago Riverwalk.

A gut-positive line of probiotic THC edibles.

A forgotten avant-rock record label from the early eighties that folded after eighteen months, but not before releasing Klaus Nomi’s David Byrne-produced electropop album “FE•CUND.”

The name Kanye West shall assign himself after surviving a dirigible crash.

A corruption of the surname O’Malley found on the remote Drumanoo peninsula in County Donegal, Ireland.

A secretive Budapest-based fraternal Christian order predicated on the idea that Viktor Orbán is the Messiah and Seb Gorka the male ideal of beauty.

A software company that briefly held naming rights to Candlestick Park during the Web 1.0 era.

A perineal erogenous zone recently discovered by Gwyneth Paltrow.

An Omaha rap collective whose album “Tha 402” was deemed 2019’s best by Pitchfork.

A beige all-in-one personal computer advertised by George Plimpton in 1979.

A white-elephant condominium tower at the tip of South Beach that has sat unfinished since its Qatari backer disappeared.

The solar-powered dinghy that ferries Larry Ellison to his yacht.

An unrealized Jim Henson film in which the titular character, a fluffy pterodactyl, vanquishes a gremlin based on Lee Atwater.

The particle buildup that causes the charging port in your iPhone not to work.

Brigitte Macron’s mantra.

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