Welcome to Your Ten-Year Reunion at Fancy College

Welcome back, fellow-Fancies! Can you believe that it’s been ten years since we dunked our class rings in our Murphy’s mugs at graduation? It seems like just yesterday we were going on naked runs across Turner Green, attending naked parties in the basement of Ackerman, enjoying naked brunches in Webster Cafeteria, and going to class naked on Go to Class Naked Day.

I’m so glad that you’ve all made the trip back this weekend, whatever the reason—whether you’re here to show off your hedge-fund spouse, are still looking for a hedge-fund spouse, or just want to show an old flame that you’ve got hotter with age.

It was great reconnecting with many of you at last night’s Midnight Masquerade. Although, as fun as it was going wild to Taylor Swift’s “22,” the way my head felt this morning was a painful reminder that we are definitely not twenty-two anymore!

And how about the nostalgia of sleeping in the dorms again? It’s been so much fun sharing a room with my old suitemates, Caroline L. and Caroline G. It’s just like freshman year, except without the suitemate we all hated, Emily Q., stealing our underwear only to gamble it away at Theta Kappa’s Up the Panty strip-poker tournament.

Now, before I go any further, I want to give a huge shout-out to Susan and the Fancy College maintenance team. I may have planned this reunion, but they are the heroes who made it happen. So let’s give them all a big round of applause.

That reminds me—Susan, someone vomited in the vestibule of Bartlett Chapel last night, just F.Y.I. Fellow-Fancies, let’s all make an effort to handle our liquor a little better at tonight’s Liquored-Up Luau.

And, on the subject of reining it in, a gentle reminder that, while it may be tempting to re-create the classic Fancy College experience of hooking up in the stacks of the Sullivan Annex tonight, exposing yourself in a college library is very much a crime, and, now that we’re in our thirties, Fancy College will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.

For those of us who still have energy tomorrow morning, there will be student-led tours of the brand-new ExxonMobil Center for Student Life, formerly the M.L.K. Memorial Student Center. This gorgeous campus facility houses the Oil Slick Lanes bowling alley, the So Fracking Hungry Café, and the Spill the Beans coffee bar. Kids at Fancy College sure have it good these days, don’t they? Who else remembers wanting to grab a late-night bite when the only thing they served in the student center was M.L.K. shakes?

But that’s not all that’s going on tomorrow. Stick around till the afternoon, because there will be a Who’s Doing What Q. & A., at which your former classmates will explain what they’ve been up to since we graduated. The first group will be talking about their exciting adventures in high-frequency trading and private equity, and the second group will be talking about the nonprofits they founded to save the world from the first group.

And, speaking of charity, I’m pleased to announce that the Ten-Year-Reunion Giving Committee has raised nearly a million dollars toward building a state-of-the-art tire swing in the Old Quad! Whether you dressed up as a duck for the Ducks in a Row Halloween sculling contest, or snuck onto the top of the Big Dome for a Raves the Roof silent disco, we all have fond memories of our time here at Fancy College, and we owe it to future Fancies to give back.

That’s all from me. Now let’s enjoy tonight’s festivities, including the Crawl in the Hall pub crawl at Morris Hall. And while, no, you cannot bribe the d.j. to continue playing past the town’s curfew (I’m looking at you, Kevin H. who works at Morgan Stanley), rumor has it there’s going to be a Thirty and Flirty naked after-party at Stool and Scepter, Fancy College’s most secretive secret society, whose iconic building is still located right in the center of the Old Quad. Stop by so that you, too, can be unceremoniously turned away at the door. It’ll be like senior year all over again!

Oh, and before I forget, “stool” reminded me that the toilet in the women’s bathroom of the Bradley Common Room is completely clogged and starting to overflow. Sorry, Susan.

Fellow-Fancies, see you all tonight on the dance floor, and then again in five to fifteen years! ♦