What if Brands Were True to Their Names?

Some commercial names tell you exactly what you’re getting: Bank of America, Famous Footwear, Pornhub. Others hint at it: Snapchat, OpenTable, Lids. Then there are those that spark questions. What the hell is a Cigna? And why, in twenty-first-century America, is any store called Banana Republic—let alone one selling polo shirts and turtleneck sweater dresses? Let us imagine a better, simpler world, where companies delivered on their names. A world where you’d go to Jack in the Box for toys, Apple for fresh produce, and Equinox for—well, Equinox just wouldn’t exist.

Zoom: rental-car agency

Target: axe-throwing bar

Lands’ End: cruise line

Starbucks: cryptocurrency

Sonic: music-streaming service

Michaels: men’s clothing store

Wendy’s: women’s clothing store

Carl’s Jr.: kids’ clothing store

McDonald’s: Irish whiskey

White Castle: luxury hotel chain

Snickers: comedy club

Baby Ruth: adoption agency

Lululemon: sour candy

Bumble: accident insurance

Grindr: coffee shop

Blue Moon: XXX-entertainment store

Black & Decker: law firm

Procter & Gamble: law firm

Abercrombie & Fitch: law firm

Johnson & Johnson: law firm

Arm & Hammer: construction company

Rag & Bone: pet-supply store

Uber: German-language TV network

Slack: nap café

Zillow: online-bedding retailer

American Eagle: wildlife conservancy

Hot Topic: celebrity-news-and-gossip Web site

Guess: board game

Cosmopolitan: travel-and-leisure magazine

The Atlantic: seafood restaurant

Mother Jones: orphanage

The New Yorker: souvenir shop