Who Goes First at a Four-Way Stop?

According to the Pennsylvania Department of Motor Vehicles:

“The first vehicle to reach the intersection should move forward first. If two vehicles reach the intersection at the same time, the driver on the left yields to the driver on the right.”

According to New England:

Follow the D.M.V.’s guidelines unless somebody really needs to get to Dunkin’.

According to the Midwest:

Disregard the D.M.V.’s guidelines. Keep smiling, nodding, and waving one another on until all but one driver dies of old age. The surviving driver should proceed through the intersection, smiling, nodding, and waving thanks.

According to New Jersey:

Follow the M.V.C.’s guidelines, unless you want to turn left. If you want to turn left, turn right to follow the jughandle to a circle.

According to Descartes:

Follow the D.M.V.’s guidelines provisionally until we can figure out if the four-way stop even exists.

According to dudes with pickup trucks:

The toughest dude with the biggest truck goes first. Dude-toughness is assessed by the same rubric as truck-bigness: first, by how many wheels (extra-wide trucks with extra wheels are the biggest, and their dudes are the toughest), followed by wheelbase width and length, maximum payload, and maximum towing weight. If all those factors are equal, the tough dude who is leaning into his horn goes first. If both or all tough dudes with big trucks are leaning into their horns, pull over for dick measurements. If dicks are the same length and width—rock, paper, scissors.

According to parents:

I’m above the law because of this “Baby on Board” window cling.

According to Freud:

What happened in your childhood that led to this obsession with who gets to go first?

According to Kant:

Unless you are comfortable with a new, universally applicable law being created based on your actions, just follow the D.M.V.’s imperative.

According to Hobbes:

Of course, nobody likes the D.M.V., but without it we would all be crashing into one another at this intersection, and everyone would be dead, dead, dead.

According to your friend who’s always trying to get a game night started:

The rules are simple. First, find out everyone’s birthday. Add together the digits of the month, date, and year of their births and divide that number by two. Then get out the dice. Have the youngest driver roll the superdie. The superdie roll determines whether the birthday sum needs to be greater or less than the regular die roll—listen, I’ll explain the rest when we get there. I know it sounds complicated, but when you actually pull up to a four-way stop, I swear, it makes so much sense, and you’ll catch on really quickly!

According to Machiavelli:

The car with the “COEXIST” bumper sticker goes last.

According to Marx:

Go in descending order of how expensive each car is—for now.

According to the U.K.:

Why isn’t this a roundabout?

According to Australia:

Why isn’t this a roundabout, mate?

According to Nietzsche:

The D.M.V.’s rules are irrelevant, but you may as well follow them, unless you are the Übermensch, in which case you must create new guidelines.

According to Louisa May Alcott:

First Jo, then Meg, then the worst sister, Amy, who’s probably too busy examining her nose in the visor mirror to even notice right-of-way rules. Beth goes last because she always yields.

According to “Sex and the City”:

First Samantha (fast), then Miranda (always in a hurry), then the other one (the one who doesn’t really have a personality), then Carrie (distracted, typing that week’s column into her Notes app).

According to “Girls”:

Since each is the most important person in the world, Hannah, Marnie, Shoshanna, and Jessa all go at the same time and crash.

According to Christianity:

First Matthew, then Mark, then Luke, then John.

According to Taoism:

The right of way is an all-pervasive, unnamable mystery.

According to Judaism:

First Eve, then Adam, then everyone’s kicked out of town.

According to Buddhism:

Nobody should go first, because nobody should want to.

According to me when I’m in a hurry:

Me. I go first. ♦