Biden could have pointed to the crown prince’s shirt and said, “You got a little spot,” and when the Saudi royal looked down, booped his nose and said, “No, seriously, you had a journalist killed.”
Biden could have extended his hand only to quickly pull it away while shouting, “Too slow!”
Biden could have greeted Prince Mohammed with the royal’s favorite Starbucks drink but instead of his name on the cup it says “For the Guy Who Ordered the Death of Jamal Khashoggi.”
Biden could have kept shaking and smiling and shaking and smiling past the agreed-upon moment to pull a hand away.
Biden could have greeted Prince Mohammed by saying, “Guy who in 2017 said he would use a bullet on Jamal Khashoggi says what?”
To which the Prince would say, “What?”
To which Biden would say, “Exactly.”
Biden could have greeted Prince Mohammed by saying, “Can you believe Mandy Moore didn’t get an Emmy nom? Such a crime. But, I mean, not as bad as calling for the death of a journalist.”
Biden could have rushed toward the crown prince like Jerry Maguire, crying, “You complete me!” To which the prince would say, “Stop! You had me at ‘more oil.’ ”
Biden could have given the fist bump, but only after sitting for a long time in his limo looking distraught, then popping a mint, getting out and doing the fist bump, and then turning to the camera, holding the package of mints, and giving a thumbs up, because, after all, they are “the freshmaker.”
Biden could have greeted the crown prince like Will Smith greeted DJ Jazzy Jeff on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”
Biden could have greeted the crown prince like Will Smith greeted Chris Rock at the 2022 Academy Awards.
Biden could have given Prince Mohammed a hug but then when the royal turns around there’s a sign taped to his back that reads “I apologize to the family of the journalist I had killed.”
Biden could have approached the Saudi royal and said, “You really need to free those unfairly imprisoned people, man. I mean, what is this, Rikers?”
Biden could have done that weird handshake where you wiggle an index finger along the palm of the other person until they’re, like, What is happening?
Biden could have clutched Prince Mohammed’s head in both his hands, kissed him hard on the mouth, and then said, “I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart.”
Biden could have stepped out of the limo, took off his aviators and said, “Hey, just so you know, I’m reallocating the money America uses to fund your despotic regime and investing in green energy. O.K., byeee!” and got back in the limo and left.
Biden could have greeted the crown prince by saying, “Your acne has cleared up!” or, “Your beard has finally grown in,” or some other devastatingly passive-aggressive mom insult. ♦
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