Reading Between the Lines in Instagram Dog-Adoption Posts

When they say: “Little Clover is one of our Chihuahua puppies! She’s one smart cookie and not shy about food! She may be tiny, but she’s got a big personality.”

What they mean is: “This dog will bite you if you get between her and her food. She will bite you if you even look sideways at her while she’s eating. And she’s so cute, you’ll blame yourself. Honestly, she’s so cute that if she bites your child, you will consider getting rid of your child before you consider getting rid of Clover.”

When they say: “Flopsy is a four-year-old shepherd mix with a big personality! He’s such a goof, you’d think he was still a puppy! Go to our Web site to apply for Flopsy today!”

What they mean is: “Chaotic. Surrender the idea of sleeping in (you’ll have to get up at 5 A.M. to walk him) and just sell your nice furniture now. Buy patio chairs for the indoors, because they’re the only thing that’s going to weather Hurricane Flopsy.”

When they say: “Mr. Pickles is a sweet older dog who loves to take it easy and relax on the couch. He has such soulful eyes—it’s almost like he knows just what you’re thinking. Good with kids and other pets.”

What they mean is: “Mr. Pickles might just be a human cursed to live as a dog. We’re not sure, but he definitely seems to understand English. Once, his foster owners came home to find that he’d not only turned the TV on but had somehow rented ‘The Bourne Identity’ on demand.”

When they say: “We’re jealous of whoever gets to adopt Porkchop! She’s a real alpha dog—we call her the leader of the pack! She’s doing great with pee-pad training and is on her way to being a hundred per cent crate-trained.”

What they mean is: “This dog will run your household. It’ll start small—dragging you out for walks and demanding food whenever she wants it. Then it’ll get more extreme—you’ll have to quit your job to keep up with her demands. You will never again know a moment’s peace.”

When they say: “Mr. Pickles was returned! We can’t believe that Mr. P. is still looking for his furever home! Please reach out about applying to be his foster or future family!”

What they mean is: “Mr. Pickles is cursed to wander this Earth, searching for a way to reunite his soul with his human body. He has a mournful howl. Your neighbors will definitely complain about the mournful howl.”

When they say: “We’re bracing for an avalanche of applications for sweet Mookie! Get a load of that handsome man! People will stop you in the street just to say hello to Mooks!”

What they mean is: “Mookie is a dog. He’s . . . well, he’s a dog. And he really looks like one. He never sleeps and will eat you out of house and home, but he’s very cute.”

When they say: “Calling all dog-lovers! We’re still looking for anyone to help Mr. Pickles find a dog bed to call his own! We know that not everyone wants to adopt an old man, but we promise you’ll be rewarded by his sweet disposition and mellow vibes.”

What they mean is: “You would literally be adopting an old man—like an old man who crossed a witch and was transformed into a dog. You’ll be ‘rewarded’ if you help him learn his lesson (that money can’t buy happiness), because he’s actually a wealthy Scrooge-like billionaire who will certainly hand over his fortune to you if it means becoming human again. If he can communicate all of that to you, that is. He’s a miserly old man in the body of a dog, so he will have a really hard time communicating. Also, the witch will be sort of lurking around, watching his progress. She’ll appear as a weird new neighbor, the guy manning the newspaper stand, a child who dropped her ice-cream cone. But they’re all her, the witch. Again, you might end up with all of Mr. Pickles’s fortune, and that’s great, but, in the meantime, he will still pee on your couch. And get into your liquor cabinet.”

When they say: “Spot: one-year-old male pug, D.M.s open.”

What they mean is: “Spot: one-year-old male pug, D.M.s open.” ♦