What You’ve Been Missing in My Instagram’s “My Close Friends”

You may not know this, but my Instagram stories sometimes have a green circle around them. That means a story is exclusively for “close friends,” or people I met once who seem chill. It’s like my own V.I.P. section in Club Instagram. Unfortunately, I haven’t deemed you cool enough to sit at the table. But I’m starting to feel guilty about it, because the content I’m sharing there is life-changing. Instead of adjusting who can access this content, though, I’m just going to give you a recap of everything I post, using only words. You’ll have to imagine the pictures, Boomerangs, and videos.

Two Plates on a Table

When I post two plates, on a table, at a restaurant, just know that it’s going down. If you could, you’d see the plates and wonder, Who’s he about to eat with? Is that a date? Did he order two entrées and put them across from each other to make it seem like he’s on a date? Why are there no vegetables? The answer is: sure.

A Mirror Selfie

You know what my face looks like, but you have no idea what it looks like in a mirror with a red light bulb above it. It’s a public bathroom, and that mirror gets cleaned every few hours—it’s spotless. This photo provides a direct view of my face, maybe I even flash my usual smirk, but it’s unique because of the red light bulb. My regular followers will continue to see only my selfies in fluorescent lighting.

Concert Seats

I go to some pretty cool concerts. And I want only my close friends to know. You can’t just let everybody see what artist you’re enjoying with an obstructed view. If you keep watching the video, you’ll notice me turn the camera around to poorly sing along—that’s if you can hear me over the thousands of screaming fans. The concertgoers behind me will be annoyed because I keep shining a flashlight in my face to make sure you can identify me in the darkness. I go the extra mile for my close friends.

The Spill on My Jeans

I’m clumsy. When I spill things, it’s always in the weirdest spots, and I feel the need to share. But just a select group of people can know where these spills are. If you run into me in the street later that day and I’m acting strange, only my close friends will know it’s because of the spill on my jeans.

Poems

I do poetry—the bad kind. I’m very sensitive about it. I’m still figuring out how to rhyme words, and how to write poems with cohesive themes. It’s a process. And I want only my close friends to be a part of it.

Childhood Photos

Before I became a strange-looking adult, I was an odd-looking child. Instagram’s close-friends feature is where I reveal just how peculiar I looked. And that’s the one place you can find these images, other than when I post them publicly for everyone to see on Throwback Thursdays!

People Who I Think Look Ridiculous

I frequently catch people doing unbecoming things. It’s like they forget that they’re in public. It’s my duty to record their actions and present them to my close friends to show the world that these people exist. But only the part of the world that is my close friends, because what if the ridiculous person follows me? I don’t want him knowing that I poked fun at his freedom of expression.

Random Street Graffiti

I love street graffiti. But, yes, it is a crime. And I don’t want it to seem like I support criminals. I do, but only the ones who do fantastic street graffiti. Enjoy the graffiti, and don’t snitch.

Affirmations

I want to motivate only my close friends. My regular followers can find their own motivation elsewhere.

My Close-Friends List

I want full transparency among all my close friends. That’s why I post the list of my followers on Instagram who are privy to my close-friends posts. I want them to see whom they share this special bond with. Who knows, it could be a networking opportunity, and now you have an easy icebreaker. “Reaching out because I saw you’re in Talib’s close-friends group, too—we both must be pretty chill!” ♦